Posted by: minnow | September 7, 2010

School Daze

I know it is a well used phrase.  Still, the phrase matches my head right now so…

I have completed one week of “going back” to school.  The noodle is wondering what happened.  My hands are enjoying getting messy (plaster, ink, a little graphite), and my feet are about to rebel even though the rest of my body is calling them sissy! 

“What have you got to complain about?” says my lungs.  “Try breathing while peddling a bike into a Helgate Canyon wind.” 

“Hey, wait a minute–I’m doing the peddling!” 

“Whatever.”

Anybody else’s body talk to itself?

The long and short of it can be summed up in what I told my husband last night when he asked me what I was thinking about: “I kind of feel guilty for being so happy!”  Yup.  I do not remember being this happy, this excited, this challenged, this focused, this on-edge, this unknowing, this happy…all at the same time.  I am going super speed and standing perfactly still.  I am holding my breath and hyperventilating.  I am absolutely confident and so nervous I am about to pee.  And I am happy.  I am happy.  I feel a little guilty.  But, not to the point of not feeling happy.

Does anyone out there know what I am talking about?!?!?!

My husband could not relate.  I do not know if it is because he is not THIS happy or because he would never feel guilty for feeling happy.  Is this a female thing?  Or, am I just wierd?  Maybe the guilt is some super opressive religious spirit that comes around whenever those Christian types start feeling good about themselves.  You know we are not supposed to be prideful or self-satisfied or…

The truth is I have already had that fight.  And, I am HAPPY to say I just do not want to go there right now.  This transition in my life has been a long time coming.  I went to a faculty art show last night and I could not help thinking that someday I too might be showing my art.  It was a warm wonderous feeling with just the righ amount of what have I done thrown in to keep life interesting.

So that is my update this week.  Next week might be a lament, we will see.  And THAT is the fun part!!!

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Responses

  1. Minnow

    Just wanted to say your husband does understand more then you think. He is amazed watching you be happy. It’s a good thing and worth drinking in deeply.

  2. My husband is amazing, don’t get me wrong. He has been very supportive and enjoys the happy parts of this journey. He has repeatedly affirmed me and that now is the right time for me to step into this “whatever it is” even if it may also be difficult, stressful, impractical, etc. I was mostly referring to the guilt feelings that seem often (if not always) to come on the heels of feeling happy, at least for me. I have heard other women speak of such feelings but I have not ever heard men so I was wondering if it was a gender related emotion.

  3. I completely get it – so maybe it is a woman thing 🙂


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