Posted by: minnow | June 15, 2010

Course Correction Toward Health

I do not feel normal.

I do not actually understand what normal is.  But, unless normal is feeling like one is on the outside looking in, longing to be a part of but never feeling quite there, continually needing to find some way to manage the rage that lurks just below the emotional surface, and wanting to walk into the woods and not ever walk out, then I am not normal.

In the past couple weeks my husband reported to me that he had two inquiries from people in the fellowship he still attends and I used to as to how I am doing.  I do not know if he is just beginning to report comments that have been made all along, if he mentioned to some people I had been sick and they are now asking if I am better, or if these are questions for the first time.  I do know in the year plus since I left this fellowship (of over 300) only one person has called me to specifically ask how I am doing.  One.  I have run into a couple of others who have asked the “How ya doing” in passing question to which I  say good or fine and follow it up with “And how are you” to which they answer good or fine, and we go on our merry way.

I am not good or fine.  I suspect some of them are not good or fine either.  But I will actually never really know because we will probably never have a healthy, honest, relationship.  

The truth is for at least twenty-five of the past thirty years I have not been good or fine.  Nor have I been emotionally honest.  By not being honest  I have not been available.  I might have look available.  I listened.  I accommodated.  I met needs, at least at the surface level.  I even sacrificed–my time, my energy, and my center.  My center–the part of me that is who I am. 

About four years ago I hit a spiritual wall.  A year and a half ago I hit an emotional wall.  Just a few weeks ago I hit a physical wall.  Each wall told the same story: You are not healthy.  If you do not get healthy you will die.  I have not faced the hardships many other women have faced.  And, this post is not a sympathy plea.  It is in fact a reality check.

The other night I participated in two Facebook conversations.  The only problem  is no one addressed my questions.  Last night at dinner I was asked by the wife of a family who attends the fellowship my family attends when I was coming back.  I found myself reluctant to answer, slipping back into the silence that was so familiar.  Finally I said, “I am not coming back.”  The rest of my answer got muddled by trying not to stir up controversy or be critical and the subject was dropped. 

What do these two things have in common?  On FB the other side was unwilling to dig in and wrestle with difficult, messy, uncomfortable questions.  Last night I was.  Today, after a good night’s sleep I have better resolve.  (I may even muster up the courage to call our friend and talk to her in person).  I do not line up.  It is really that simple.  I do not need to drag my old fellowship’s name through the mud in order to be free.  And while there are principles I feel that strongly about the principles can be defended without pointing fingers.

This morning, I hear in a new way God’s warning to Adam and Eve, “If you eat of the Tree of Knowledge you will die.”  Knowledge is a terrible thing.  It demands a response.  I am not going back, to my old fellowship, to spiritual muteness, to emotional silence, to physical inertia,  because I can’t.  If I do.  I.  will.  die. 

Change is not easy.  Yet, I have changed the trajectory of my life.  And despite the gravitational pull backwards I have taken flight.  So, easy or not, it is at hand.

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Responses

  1. thansk for sharing Minnow.

    1 in all that time of being ‘away’. 1. wow. I am sorry for that.

    I’m sure the same will be said of us except I’ll have ‘friends’ (gossipers) facebook msg or email me to find out ‘whats up’ (information to pass).

    No more ‘intimately worshipping’ on Sundays with strangers – what’s the point?

    Really – what is the goal of gathering, what’s the motive and if you can’t answer that… or if you can and the goal isn’t even being met (or your goal isn’t the same as ‘theirs’ then why continue? the only reason to continue would be to people-please)

    just rambilng. 🙂 thinkin of u tonight!


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