If you have read many of my posts you probably already know that one of my five children has basically followed me out of the building (meaning the traditional setting for “doing Church”) and into a journey to find a more honest (for him) walking out of his faith.  At times I feel like the two of us are huddled together in a corner, alone and afraid.  Buildings are safe places in a lot of ways and when one walks away from them one exposes his back.  Ahem.

While I have more successfully severed ties with those in the building (I really only see and talk to my immediate family, except when I volunteer at the food bank) most of my son’s Christian friends are still “in-house”.  Therefore when he comes to me frustrated by various conversations with people who have a building perspective of Christianity I let him vent and try to encourage him. 

I just realized as I was writing this introduction that I am creating terminology that is probably just as confusing as the “Christianise” I often complain about, so let me explain–I actually do not have anything per se against people gathering together to worship God and fellowship with one another.  The Bible instructs us to NOT give up this habit and I understand the wisdom in that instruction.  My problem with the Building  has to do with the Church becoming an institution which must be maintained (financed) to the detriment of its original purpose.  When I use the term Building it is that specific expression of Institutionalized religion to which I refer.  I also have a problem with the us VS them mentality which is fostered in most Buildings.  And, that attitude is not just limited to saved VS unsaved which is difficult enough to overcome.  It is also carried over to leadership VS congregates, our denomination VS their denomination, hymns VS choruses, our non-denomination VS their non-denomination, Biblical VS more Biblical, saved VS more saved.  I understand I am making a generalization but in order to avoid having to explain myself over and over these are some of the attitudes I associate with Building-based Christianity.  Finally, when I talk about “walking out faith” I am referring to the act of putting into practice what it is I believe to be true NOT simply gathering more information so I know  the correct things, which more or less brings me back to why I began this post.

Recently on a Facebook Status Update one of my son’s friends said:  ”__________is wondering what to do with his life. I want a flippin’ epic adventure Jesus “  Earlier this same friend wrote a post in which he dissed Hollywood’s version of adventure and extolled the Christian adventure or “doing life for Jesus”!  Normally I could say, “Amen brother let’s do this thing!”  But there in lies the problem.  This kid, and many like him, are stuck waiting for God  to do the big “epic” thing in  their lives.  They have been taught things like–it’s not about what you can do but about what God can do through you–yet have not been taught that they still are the hands and feet of the body and if they do not get off their duffs to do something, if they do not begin to put one foot in front of the other, than Jesus aint going no where! 

As fond as those in the building are of saying: “The Bible is our instruction manual”, they only seem willing to apply that teaching to personal morality issues (Do not have sex outside of marriage, do not be a homosexual, etc).  My problem with people like my son’s friend is that they want to have  God do some big thing through them but they keep waiting for Him to tell them what.  Honestly, God has already told us what–”Feed my sheep”, “Care for the widows and orphans”, “Visit me in prison”, “Bring a song or a hymn”, ”Live at peace”.  And later, if we were to watch the two-hour Hollywood version of our lives–actually lived out according to the “instruction manual”–they just might look like an epic adventure.  The real truth is, in Hollywood’s Lord of the Rings, Frodo reached a point of begging for someone else to carry the ring, just like Jesus asked His Father if at all possible to take away the cup.  Yet in the end, both walked out every bloody pain-filled step of their adventure and we have been given inspiration and a path to follow because they did.

Recently on One Hand Clapping Julie Clawson wrote a piece celebrating the journey Mary found herself on beginning with the angelic announcement that she had been chosen by God.  Julie’s post got me thinking about the journey I have been on for the past several years.  It started as a mental health journey, took on some social political overtones and developed into a fairly drastic spiritual paradigm shift.

Had you asked me before this adventure started if I had any travel plans I would have told you no.  I felt pretty stuck and had no idea that asking myself: what other than suicide might end the hopelessness, anger, pain, and self-pity I was stuck in? would actually have an answer. 

I need to admit, my marriage was in serious danger during most of this journey but it wasn’t until last spring that I shared that fact with my husband.  You see, I realized something I think I always knew but in a way that I could no longer force myself to ignore.  I had been trying to turn myself into a false image and the God-given image I truly was had been fighting for her life for years.  That is why it was so impossible for me to succeed.  Who God was calling out of me and who I was trying to be “in the name of God” were/are considerably different people. 

Honestly, I do not “blame” the Church.  The sad reality is that in most places in America the Church is as sick as I was.  Not only is Christ’s bride anemic, she needs a lung transplant (an infusion of the Holy Spirit), a pacemaker (an outpouring of the love of Christ), cataract surgery (new vision), and hearing aids (a desire to recognize even His whisper).  She needs to quit being so afraid of her environment (the world) and start remembering who she married. 

In my own life, I am finally realizing who I was becoming before my stupid choices damaged that  person and I began living in a place of fear and self-loathing.  Soon after I got married I developed my own brand of penance by continually trying to squeeze myself into the “good Christian wife” role the lies I believed  had painted in my mind.  Some of the lies were handed down to me by well intended Christian leaders, mentors, and friend.  Most, however, I constructed for myself through a skewed reading of scripture and an over zealous religious spirit.

Now, when I am confronted by one of those lies, pretending to be the truth, an anger rises up in me that is difficult to control.  Whether in my personal relationships or my ongoing exposure to Building-based Christian thinking I feel the need to not only resist but to protest.  The result has been many of these posts.

I understand most conservative evangelicals see the emerging Church (and I use that term loosely) as watering down the gospel, wanting to stomp on tried and true doctrine, and not holding to scripture.  It is a normal parent-child relationship.  You can’t honor your Mother and Father if you don’t look, sound, and act just like them.  The criticisms which indicate the Evangelicals’ real problem is: Emergers do not function like denominations (with statements of belief and a clearly delineated leadership) are telltale signs.  This also explains why so many strawmen are built: those who would never in a million years include themselves in the emerging group–define the group, choose leaders for the group, explain what the group believes, and then wage war against the group so that they can feel like they are defending the faith.  The irony is most emergers could be right there with them (on most doctrinal points) if those “strawmen” really existed.

I understand too that many, if not most, emergers have played the role of the rebellious teenager pretty well.  In order to feel like we are truly independent adults, some of us have felt the need to throw the baby out with the bath water (which is sad in my opinion), and most of us (including myself) have been highly critical of our “elders” and what they do for a living (to carry the analogy a bit too far).  And, while much of the criticism is legitimate, a fair portion of it could and should have been done with a whole lot more grace (AKA: tact).  Some of us are emerging (leaving the Building) after having painfully worked to try to change the system from within, others (like myself) have been frustrated by an inability to fit into or find a place within the system from which to work.  So, we are simply choosing a different route.

I believe the journeys most emergers  are on do not take them away from their faith.  Certainly this is true for me.  Most of us, I believe, are actually trying to find a deeper expression of our faith, one we can grab onto, wrestle with, see in the walking out of our lives.  Many of us are simply tired of having faith in a creative God sound so much like being a patriotic American or a finger-pointing Pharisee.  I for one, prefer to look at what I have been doing right and keep doing it.  But, I also want to be willing to look at what I have done wrong and quit.  I get  that because I am no longer “in the building” my confessions about what I have done wrong can come across as finger-pointing.  But the truth is I am still part of the Church–capital C.  I still belong to Christ.  As painful as it can be to try and tell my brother, “wake-up” it is even more painful to hear from my brother, “Go to hell.”

My oldest is 21.  My youngest is 4.  The youngest arrived on the scene 10 years after the next youngest.  I often refer to her as God’s sense of humor.  When the others were grade school age and younger I homeschooled them all.  One of the things we did to learn the months of the year, days of the week, numbers and special events was to make calendars my children could mark off with little season appropriate pictures: September had pictures of school books, crayons, and pencils. April had rain drops and umbrellas.  May had flowers.  For December one year I decided to go all out and made tiny pictures related to the Christmas story.  I pulled that calendars out again this year for my 4-year-old. 

As I showed my daughter all the little pictures she could choose from to mark off the days of December it dawned on me that as her parent I had not made a big deal with her the way I had with her siblings of celebrating “the birth of Christ”.  When her older brother and sister (who I am homeschooling this year) noticed what I was doing with their younger sister, they wanted in on the act.  And, I realized we as a family had not made a big deal out of celebrating “the birth of Christ” at Christmastime for quite a while.  So, this year I have decided to celebrate Jesus with a new heart!

I think the reason I drifted away from celebrating Christ at Christmas is perhaps two-fold.  In the first place, I became jaded by the commercialism or the secular (American) celebration of the season.  I hate shopping.  I hate obligation.  I hate trying to make my children play a certain part.  And Christmas meant all three.  Secondly, I had gotten hung up in a controlling religious spirit when my older children were little so that I did not allow holidays to be too much  fun.  Christmas is serious afterall.  We are talking about God here.  ARGH!

That said, there can be something magical and wonderous about Christmas and I desperately want to share those moments with my children.  Last year I began to do something about the “obligation and commercialization” elements of the holidays–we drew names for gifts in our immediate family and we  pared back on our giving with our extended family.  Both those choices helped me release some of the burden I felt toward the holidays (Getting “Uncle Ed” the perfect sweater when he has not yet worn the 10 other perfect sweaters we have gotten him just quit making sense to me).  This year I want to remind myself and teach my daughter about the miracle of Christmas.  And I think her siblings are excited to help!

We have begun with three Advent calendars–the one I made, another some dear family friends send our children each year complete with delicious chocolate treats, and the third a daily advent book I found which over the course of the season tells the Biblical story of Christmas.  More than once since becoming a mom I have thought of starting a Christmas prayer journal, sort of like the secular “letters to Santa” only with an obviously different intent.  Maybe this will be the year.

Mostly I believe I will find the magic of this season if I take time to cherish the gift I have been given of a life filled with people to love, beauty to enjoy, and peace to pass on.  I am not always a joyful, loving, peace-filled person.  Too often I choose to be grumpy, harsh, and discontent.  Too often I notice the negative first and dwell on what is wrong.  Too often I let fear, guilt, or weariness rule my day.  These are choices I make.  Sure, they might be influenced but the people or situations around me.  Still, I choose how I respond. 

In the only account of how Mary responded to being chosen by God to be the Mother of Jesus we see at first she was troubled by the angel Gabriel’s greeting.  And yet, “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary said.  ”May it be to me as you have said.”  (Luke 1:38). I do not believe Mary was ignorant.  I think she knew even as she was telling Joseph what had happened that he might choose to divorce her.  In truth he contemplated that very thing. 

When Mary said yes to God, she did not know how she would live or what would actually happen to her.  Yet somehow she had faith that God would accomplish what the angel had prophesied.  In the end, Joseph stayed by her.  She was not stoned.  She did not live in abject poverty with her illegitimate son, subject to the open scorn and ridicule of her community.  But that does not mean she did not suffer.  I am certain gossip and name calling was as prevalent in Mary’s day as it is in ours.  As she watched her son, Jesus, grow to manhood Mary undoubtedly suffered from her share of behind the back whispering.  Yet one of the few emotions attributed to Mary is that of pondering, marveling, and treasuring things in her heart.  (Luke 2:19, 33, and 51).

Mary’s response is what I hope to choose this season.  As I teach and watch my children this Christmas I want to ponder, marvel, and treasure every moment.  I want to take in this Christmas like I might a breath of crisp mountain air.  I want to embrace the challenges and delight in the beauty and wonder of my life.  I want to be able to accept this time as God’s calling on my heart and say, “Yes, Lord.  May it be to me as You have said.”

When we lived in South Bend Indiana, Notre Dame country and therefore heavily Roman Catholic, we were told by some former RC folks that “they” did not feel comfortable praying with “us” (non-catholics).  To circumvent this situation my family started asking the question of each person at the dinner table whenever we had guests: “What are you thankful for?  It served as our prayer and actually helped us understand that we truly have much for which to be thankful!

As the official Thanksgiving Day arrived I realized my Thank-you list was quite long!  Most immediate in my mind is that we have been blessed with a new house.  My husband and his business partner have put many long carpentry hours in remodeling and repairing much of it.  And, we were able to get new flooring and new paint–everywhere.  We have added a new member–a Golden Retriever puppy named Sadie–to the family.  (The cat is not quite as thankful as the rest of us).  We have jobs.  We have plenty to eat.  We are warm.  My husband’s parents and my Dad are all healthy.  Our cars work!!!  The lights in my children’s eyes are bright.  And, we have a hope for the future.  I am indeed thankful for the good and positive aspects of my life.

All however, is not positive in the world or at home.  One of my children had his appendix out over a year ago and has not been completely healthy since.   The doctors are baffled.  We are frustrated and he is discouraged, confused, tired most of the time, and struggling to remain hopeful.  How does one remain thankful for all things when all the things in one’s life are not good?  Those verses, in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 and Colossians 3:15, have always perplexed me.  No matter how many sermons  I have heard to explain them the concept of being thankful in all circumstances is a difficult one for me to grasp.

And yet, as I think of my son, several things come to mind for which I can be thankful,within this situation.  I am thankful he is able to rest when he needs to do so.  I am grateful he feel free to talk to me about how he feels.  I am blessed by concentrated time with him when he does have energy, time I might not have, were he completely healthy and out and about with friends all the time.  I am thankful, too, that he has friends who check in on him and still like to do things with him when he is able. 

I have not wrestled with God in prayer over my son’s illness.  Some might think that makes me a bad mother.  But the truth is–this is not my fight.  My son has done some of his own wrestling.  I cannot say I know exactly how his wrestling has gone.  We have been in fellowships who pray for miraculous healings and such his whole life so I suspect he has at least asked the “why me, God” questions and the “Why are You not healing me, Lord” questions.  Yet, that has not been what he has talked to me about and I am trying to let him lead in the discussion topics area.

I have watched my son drift a little from his “church” friends and hang out a bit more with his non-church friends.  But I do not believe that necessarily means he is “losing his faith”.  His non-church friends simply call more often.  They do not seem to mind when he tells them he needs to go home because he is getting tired; they just make plans to get together another time.

Maybe the attitude displayed by my son’s friends is the biggest thing I have to be thankful–and my biggest challenge as well.  Dealing with what is.  Facing the moment.  Being with my son, available as he has need.  I am learning, in a new and immediate way, what it means to walk with someone, to BE together whatever the circumstances.  Living today’s moment completely and leaving tomorrow’s until tomorrow.

My son posted a video about a young girl, age 3, who was murdered after a history of suffering from child abuse.  His comment upon posting it was that he believed we could do something about those kinds of situations.  I found myself doubting his “can do” attitude.  I want to think it is actually possible to make a positive difference in the world.  Yet, I find myself thinking instead–”If I, as someone who actually sees the need for change and even has a few ideas as to how we can make change happen, am full of excuses then is there really any hope to be had?”

Being feet and hands of change is what I admire most about the people at the Refuge, and place like the Refuge (though I haven’t found many others).  Wasn’t being the change that America needs the theme song of our current president’s campaign?  But all that he is able to do is so full of politics (We can’t exactly re-invent Washington in a year.) that I seriously have my doubts as to what government can accomplish.  If we spend the next 20 years paring government down to the bare bones and throwing out the trash we would still end up with a surplus of bureaucracy and a lack of real help for the people with real need.  Sadly, the same can be said for most of Building-Based Christianity as well.

I understand that different people have different gifts  and that we should serve God to the best of our abilities in the areas where we are gifted.  I realize that vision  goes a long way to fuel the tank.  I get that counting the cost  is probably not the worst advice.  But seriously, is there really not one tiny place each one of us can give a little more, make a small “sacrifice”, be inconvenienced just a bit?  Does the gifting, vision, and cost counting really add up to a lot of talk (nice sounding blogs) and not much else?

I have been working the food bank that operates out of the fellowship my family is a part of for the last year or so.  I have not made it every week; I nearly missed a whole month while our family was moving.  Still, it is a tiny gift of time–just two hours a week–and makes a small but consistent difference–in a city of 80,000 we serve approximately 90 households.  I would like to do more and someday I may. 

Right now I am full of excuses why I cannot do more.  I homeschool two teenagers.  I have a four year old at home. I work almost forty hours a week on a graveyard shift.  Reasonable excuses but even so I could  do more.  I could get back on track with recycling (It was disrupted by our move).  I could give money to my missionary friend in Africa.  I could reach out to my new neighbors. 

Truly, each one of us could always do something else, something more, something different with the budget to make a little extra room for giving.  But, this post is not meant to induce a guilt trip.  When I was part of a fellowship I resented the pulpit pleas that guilted congregations into giving and I NEVER want to go there.  My point is–we as followers of a generous, sacrificial God need to renew our minds.  We need to tune our ears to His voice, remind ourselves that sometimes  He uses us to be the provision for others.  Not always, but sometimes.  And, not to the point of causing our anger or frustration or resentment.  If those are the emotions we have something else is going on we should probably figure out what. 

If we change our thinking, our attitudes toward others, our concepts of “family”, we might find out that the “us VS them” mentality which is so ingrained in both American and Evangelical thought is actually counter productive to change, growth, community, and more importantly walking with Christ.  After reading and re-reading the Gospels I am convinced that Jesus did not see the world in “us VS them” terms”.  He regarded all of creation as belonging to His Father and all of humanity as worth saving.  When Jesus encountered the Roman soldier, Samaritan woman, tax collector, or prostitute He spoke to their need, commended their faith, and called out of their hearts what was of God.  If we are to follow Christ it might make sense to start seeing the world through His eyes.

When I started to get words for other people the feeling was a little different. Some of the words I got were borderline reprimands, some were for leadership. I was not about to tell one of my pastors that God wanted to give him a nose to sniff out the religious spirit in his life (especially when the teaching from the pulpit was to only speak words of encouragement) so I sort of left out the part about it being in his own life and hoped God would fill in the blank. Talk about handing someone a loaded gun and setting a congregation up for casualties. Not good and not God.

Both these illustrations reveal the danger in simply “practicing the prophetic”. When we tell our congregations that everyone can be prophetic and everyone should seek words from the Spirit, but at the same time do not teach them how to receive and give and receive both positive and corrective words, we neglect our responsibility to be teachers. Not only that but we set our fellow Christians up for failure, disappointment, and trips to Ego-ville on Pride-filled Lane.

In his book, Surprised by the Spirit, Jack Deere talked about the difference between “cold readings” and prophetic words. Everyone can get good at cold readings and when we know the people we are talking to personally our outside information has a tendency to find its way into our “words of knowledge”. Probably the number one reason fellowships that practice prophecy put the “only give words of encouragement” restriction on their congregations is because they have had too many lay psychologists running around trying to solve their friend’s problems by posing their own solutions as a word from God. They figured it was “safe” if they limited the well intended to only encouraging “words”.

The problem with “positive prophecies” is not that they are wrong. The actual “prophecy” is probably not even offensive, after all who wouldn’t want to see God smiling at them!? The problem is they eschew the spectrum until prophecy becomes nothing more than a “feel good” pop-psychology sessions in the name of God. In addition, being able to tell someone something nice probably doesn’t make the “prophet” feel too bad either (!) which is often more the point than the word itself. We like to feel good and we like to feel important. And, Satan likes it when we act like we have some big revelation from God that could just as easily be our own interpretation of a situation, wishful thinking, or worse–a distraction from how God really wants to minister. Saying nice things is easy compared to building relationship or doing the physical work of helping.

I think the bottom line is that you and I disagree on what Prophecy is supposed to be about. The more I pray and work towards the Vision God has given me, the more obvious the Prophecy of this world becomes. If we choose to walk with God and act out our beliefs, we will begin to see Heaven on earth. If we, as God’s people, choose to stay inactive, then we will only see the world go deeper into darkness.

I think Prophecy can often be a bunch of hyper spiritual nonsense. I have seen numerous times, people talk about Revival and Spiritual Storms coming but it feels as though they just keep on talking about it coming, nothing really happens from the talk. I have heard many good friends talk about Jesus moving in their lives, but I seldom see actual change come with the talk. Prophecy means very little to me if I don’t see the action and results come after.

The bottom line for me is that I feel we concentrate on the hyper spiritual so much, we forget about reality. We are so busy warning people about Hell after they die, we forget to see the Hell many are living in right now. We are so concentrated on hearing the “true” voice of God and getting into His “presence”, that we don’t feel or hear the obvious cries of His heart when someone dies of hunger or is neglected on the street.

To me God is a personal God who is in the midst of sinners. I see God work in those who act. I can not say anyone is completely without God, even my “Cult” friend has shown me qualities that I feel only could come from God. 

You have warned me many times about Cal but if you were truly confident in your faith I believe you would be able to look at people like  Cal and  see the good in what he says and does.  Here is an example:  Cal is good friends with Paul, a client where we work. Paul gets very lonely and is a bit depressed because he really does not have many friends. Cal for no personal reason what so ever asked if Paul remembered any friends from his old high school. Cal took all the names and googled them. For several weeks Cal wrote these friends emails telling them about Paul, where he is now in life and asking them if they could give Paul a call. Finally after several letters from Cal, a friend called Paul and exchanged phone numbers telling Paul, “He could call any time”.  Tell me, was Cal’s kindness toward Paul really evil?  

Even though you are not saying it, you have been acting (which I think is more telling) as though I am “lost”. I can not tell you how frustrating this makes me feel.  I am not interested in you telling me how to be a Christian and get in contact with God. If you are going to really be able to change anyone’s heart, you will have to choose to come to a level playing field with them. (If Jesus did it, anyone can do it.)

Honestly, I do not blame any “non-Christian” for not wanting to be “saved”, if they keep being treated as less than by those trying to save them. Why would anyone want to listen to someone who thinks they are only as good as a demon and deserve  to be tormented for ETERNITY?

I actually have an easier time learning from non-believers then most believers. For, I am very sad to say, most of my friends who go to Church, and the weekly Bible study, and Youth Group don’t seem to be able to think for themselves and remain mostly inactive. I can learn from people who are testing and walking in their faith. I can learn from those who are shooting but seem to be way off. But the people I can’t learn much from are the people who remain distant and have an “us VS. them” mentality.

I think this is missed by MANY Christians now a days, but it is crucial for ALL of us to know that actions speak louder than words. If you don’t think non-Christians or “The Lost” have anything to offer, IT SHOWS, no matter how nicely you talk to them.

The type of prophesying and “communion with God” you are talking about, is just a way to stay distant from real relationships with all people (Christian and non-Christian alike).  And to put it bluntly, I am not interested. 

That’s it–my son’s response.  The conversation continued a little longer.  I actually spliced a couple of his responses together because they were made similar points.  I was sad that Jacob’s friend continued to try to set him on the “right” path and ignore what he was actually saying.  In the example, Cal and Paul are fictional names for real people. The friend Jacob was writing to knows Cal as a professed witch and has told Jacob that because Cal is “completely evil” he can do “nothing good”. The conversation ended with my son realizing the two had no real common ground, a sad way for “brothers” to end.

I really enjoy reading Kathy Escobar’s blog, A Carnival in My Head.  And this week’s post was no different.  The question she posed to her readers was: How would you fill in the blank?  Despite my doubt I still believe_________________.  My first thought was that God is good.  But the more I thought about that the more I realized my response really had nothing to do with my doubt.  I have never doubted the goodness of God.  I have always been able to see His provision and blessing in my life and in the lives of others.

Over the last few years, however, I have had real questions about His wisdom in choosing to use “the Church” to accomplish His will on earth, to spread His message, to demonstrate His love.  I do not believe that God has failed us or abandoned us in some way but I do think much of the Church has failed Him.  We have abandoned His message and replaced it with our own.  The message we tend to spread rarely looks or sounds much like LOVE.  More often our message is filled with promises of wealth if you give to your local fellowship, good kids if you bring them to Sunday school each week, and peace, healing, and joy if you say the right prayers.  Oh I know, these promises are generally qualified if not out right denied in the small print  but they certainly have been implied in every organized gathering I have ever attended.

I have grown tired of the prosperity gospel that leaves most of the world (especially the unsaved  world) out.  I am skeptical of the name it and claim it message that suggest our “life-giving”, positive message, “speak to that which is not as if it is” words are enough; that we do not actually have to do  anything other than pray (AKA: talk a lot using holy verbage and in a hyperventilating state). 

A recent conversation my son shared with me fueled some of the frustration you may be hearing in this post.  It also served as a big AHA in my mind.  Some in the institutionalized Church are fond of painting pictures of God up in heaven with His hands tied, suggesting that we (through our prayers) have the power  to release His hands.  I heard myself saying to my son, “I wished the Church could see the reason God’s hands are tied  is because we refuse to lift ours!”  And, I did not mean lift as in a worship stance!!  The harvest is plentiful the workers–those willing to make a difference in someone else’s life through their personal involvement–are few.  When the Church decides to take the concept of being His hands and feet on the earth seriously enough to start meeting the needs He helps us to see, then will God’s hands no longer be tied! 

When asked about Christianity Gandhi once said, “I like your Christ.  I do not like your Christians.  Your Chirstians are so unlike your Christ.”  I have found myself thinking a lot like Gandhi.  But, I do not want to only be a finger pointer.  I want to take what Gandhi said personally.  What in my own life must change so my message more accurately relays Christ’s message?  What can I do?  How can I live, so my hands and feet reveal Christ’s heart?

Yes!  BUT how did we acquire so much junk in so little time?  WOW!  (Needless to say we are not completely put away yet). 

When we last moved (seven years ago) we brought very little with us, only because we had three rummage sales, two truck loads to the dump, and at least two trips to Goodwill.  Everything we owned arrived at our new house in one twenty-foot moving van and a passenger van that were also carrying six people a cat and a dog.  I told myself we were simplifying.

Seven years later, I honestly do not know where all our “stuff” is going to go.  And, I am embarrassed that we have soooo much.  This move has been bittersweet (for me) for that very reason.  I thought I was not a “typical” materialistic American.  I was enlightened–BAH!  The house we found has a huge yard!–a (neighbor’s) pasture with horses beyond that, an incredible view of mountains and a river and…  We have four bedrooms (one we converted from a den so it includes a fireplace), two baths, a wonderful deck, kitchen, livingroom with a second fireplace, dining room and did I mention the yard (?).  Talk about wealth.  My missionary friend in Africa just helped a HIV positive new mom get out of a literal mud floor hut and into a one room shack she shares with her three children.

We found the house before it went on the market.  My husband inquired about a dumpster in front of a house a couple doors down and was told about the house we are in just as a “in case you’re interested”.  Three other inquiries followed ours.  God’s provision or dumb luck? 

Because of the condition of the house we were able to reduce the price by 12,000, set aside that money and use it to remodel one of the bathrooms, paint the entire house, and put new flooring in all the rooms except one bath, which we did re-tile.  Because our income qualifies, we were also able to take advantage of a rural development program that got us a loan at 1% interest.  Blessing, providence, or fate?

Please do not take this post wrong.  I feel incredibly thankful to be out of where we were and into this home.  Yet at the same time, I have done nothing to deserve the riches I have.  And, for the first time in my life I am consciously aware of the fact that most others, by comparison have much less in the form of material goods.  Because of this fact, I am not certain just how I should respond–Thank You God but why me?  Should I sell some of this and give to the poor?  Do I volunteer more at the food bank to appease my guilt? 

I have not matured to the point Paul had when he wrote that he had learned to be content with all things.  I am ill at ease in this skin which is now more aware of the world beyond my comfort zone.  I am not doing enough to change the balance, even the field.  I feel guilty, embarrassed and I do not like those feelings.  So I say Thank You God for Your many blessings but I also ask what I should/could be doing to better be His servant, His ambassador.  I do not want more unless I can somehow begin to give more away.

First, I realize today is not Sunday.  I apologize.  I will try harder in the future not to say I will do things unless I know I will be about to do them, or I at least won’t be so emphatic about saying I will do them.  That said–on to my post.

Truly I understand the danger in my calling #5 a lie.  At the same time, I only have my experience through which to understand and my experience testifies to the fact that I have known those in the Church to take the same passages of scripture and walk away with two very different interpretations.  I have also experienced asking a question about a part of scripture that seems to contradict another part of scripture only to be told something to the effect of: “How dare you question God” or more typically the pat answer, “Well you know, His ways are not our ways.  (Sub-text: Now little lady, your finite mind just cannot comprehend what we scholars [and God] understand).”  And yet, these same voices hold fast to their particular interpretation of scripture (and the schizophrenic character of God their interpretations create), refusing to examine any other possibilities despite the fact that those heretical possibilities might actually answer some of the contradictions.