Nearly 20 years ago now my family was part of a very small fellowship, the kind where everyone knows everyone and nearly everything about everyone as well.  We were just beginning to experience what were then call manifestations of the Spirit–visions, laughter, tongues, awkward behaviors, etc.  A member of our fellowship was hit with some very difficult and baffling medical issues.  They weren’t life threatening as far as medical science could determine but they made her life torturous at times and we were all concerned.  For several months we prayed as she visited various doctors.  People got words and gave words.  We sought (and as I look back on it now tried to conjure) healing on her behalf.  When the healing didn’t come we wrestled with our doubts and the atmosphere of our gatherings intensified.  Her failure to be healed lead to questions.  Why?  What were we doing wrong?  What was wrong with her? I also watched as she became more and more discouraged and closed off.

I can not speak for anyone else.  I never talked about that experience with anyone who was part of the fellowship–then or since.  My family moved to a different state before the situation was resolved and the fellowship split shortly after we moved.  Eventually the woman’s health returned.  I don’t know if that happened before or after the split but I know she remained close to several families on both sides of the split and still fellowships with the part of the split that continues to meet.

Even though my family attended other fellowships which were also experiencing manifestations of the spirit after leaving our first I believe, as I now look backwards, that experience planted a seed of discernment in my spirit.  I remember praying about this woman just before we moved in a way I had not previously prayed.  Instead of presenting my request and list of promises concerning the prayers of righteous men I simply asked the Spirit to help me know what she needed from me, if anything.  The answer was easy to do and at the same time the most difficult thing I had ever done–Just go sit with her.

I remembering wanting to bring her something, wanting to offer to watch her children or clean her house.  But my instructions never changed–Just go sit with her.  Honestly, I can’t remember how I felt or if I was actually successful.  But, I have often thought about that situation and those words.  And ever since, I have tried to follow the lesson I learned from that experience.  Sitting quietly with someone in pain, letting them offer us tea or not, following their lead in conversation, or simply looking out the same window with them takes a kind of courage too few of us have, or chose to use–including myself.  Yet I am convinced doing so is as close to manifesting the Spirit as I will ever get–this side of heaven.

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This post is part of the SynchroBlog.  Below are links to other posts on the same topic.

• Comforting those who Hurt – K. W. Leslie
• Unto the Least of These – J. Stahl
• Like a Motherless Child – Carol Kuniholm
• Exploding Bridges and How to Help People – Phil Lancaster
• The Ministry of Presence – Glenn Hager
• The Problem of Pain – Chris Jefferies
• How to Be with Those in Pain – David Derbyshire
• When Sorry Seems to b the Hardest Word - Doreen A Mannion
• What Seems to Help in the Midst of Pain – Kathy Escobar
• Mourning with those who Mourn – Jeremy Myers
• What He Told The Home Crowd – Tim Nichols

I recently did a tiny bit of sparring with a friend of one of my children on a FB post.  I got off my soap box by saying that I didn’t want to burn any bridges toward getting to know him better, implying that I felt I was being a bit direct with my comments and was afraid the criticism would drive him away.  After I left that conversation I realized I rarely take the criticism of my ideas or arguments personally.  Unless the other person calls me names or begins using vulgar language to describe my thinking or position I am rarely offended.  At the same time, I realize many other people, perhaps even most other people, function quite differently.

I’m not sure which came first over sensitivity to criticism or maligning a person’s character , but the two seem to be tied together.  If we see ourselves as bearers of the truth but are unable or unwilling to answer questions put to us by others the mere act of being questioned can be perceived as an offense.  The default response almost always becomes a need to find fault with the messenger instead of constructing a reasonable counter argument to the message.   Now some labels (a form of name calling) help us understand a person’s position but when they are not self-imposed (a name we call ourselves), labels are often used as put downs.  Add a few negatively charged adjectives and suddenly our egos are more valuable than understanding the issues and feeling superior more important than solving problems.

I understand how easy it is to slip down the slope toward hostile verbal sparing.  The more stuck on talking points a person seems and the more unwilling an individual is to research, use logic, and reason out an issue, the more frustrated I feel trying to engage in conversation with them.  Snark and sarcasm come far to easily for me.  And, on numerous occasions I have felt the temptation to call someone a nincompoop and be done with it.  However, not too long ago my son received a private message from someone who was following one of his threads on which just such a discussion was ensuing.  To his credit my son kept laying out his reasoned response and continued to pose questions even though they remained unaddressed by the other person in the discussion.  The private message encouraged and thanked my son for his willingness to keep challenging the prejudices, judgments, and rhetoric from his opposition without falling into name calling and vulgar labeling.  That woman’s message has served as a reminder to me  that while we will rarely sway a person so deeply entrenched in a specific point of view other people may be watching.  Other people, too personally attached to an issue, or not certain of what they think, or questioning their own long held beliefs, might benefit from our willingness to advocate for truth, dig for answers, and speak up even if at times it feels like we’re speaking to a brick wall.  The timid bystanders, wounded on-lookers, and questioning observers are why refraining from name calling, doing my research, and addressing the questions I’m asked are important to me.

Recently I shared this post on FB with the suggestion that every pastor who planned to give a Mother’s Day message this coming Sunday (5/12) resist the temptation and read this letter instead. I hated going to church on Mother’s Day.  My reasons might have been valid: I didn’t think I could sit through another sermon about the virtuous woman (Proverbs 31) or resist being angry when the token woman for the year (usually the pastor’s wife) was invited to give the message.  But, my reasons were not nearly as noble as those expressed in the link.

For 25 years I have had the pleasure of being called a mom.  It’s a title I wouldn’t change for anything.  I’ve been exceedingly lucky to mother five of the most incredible people in the world.  They have entertained me, exasperated me, made me proud, and given me gray hairs.  From their first kicks and somersaults right up to this day, they have shared their lives with me.  And, I hope they keep sharing who they are and what they’re doing and where their latest amazing, crazy, adventures are taking them for as long as I have breath.  THEY are not the reason I don’t like Mother’s Day.  Like the post I linked explains many, many women have not experienced my good fortune.

In part I struggle with Mother’s Day because of some of their experiences.  For example,  I know a woman who had seven miscarriages before her first son was born.  I know another woman who never conceived and whose husband reluctantly allowed her to adopt but took little interest himself in parenting.  I know other women who have lost children to heartbreaking accidents or suicide and still others whose children have become lost in a drug culture determined to destroy them.  I also know children (some of them adults now) whose mothers abandoned, neglected, or abused them.  For these people Mother’s Day is not without its twinges of pain, regret, guilt, anger, and frustration.  It’s a holiday they “get through”.

I suppose most every holiday is a time to “get through” for someone.  Our failure as a culture to sincerely embrace family contributes to the anxiety with which many face those holidays that expect us to gather as families.  I’ve spend more than a few tension filled Thanksgiving dinners or Easter mornings.  Still, for me Mother’s Day is different.  It invites self evaluation and critical reflection.  After all, don’t we need to understand why we honor those we honor?  When I look at my own mothering I see a lot of holes and often wonder how I got so lucky.  From the outside looking in life can look pretty different but the truth is none of us is perfect and while we might know exactly the right method for child A, child B comes along and we get to start all over again.

I have bittersweet memories of my own mother and the bitter becomes magnified during the holidays.  Because extra people in her home and special events increased her anxiety this already emotionally closed woman was even less approachable (for me) during the holidays.  As much as I didn’t want to be like her in that, my anxiety increases with extra people and special events as well.  So, Mother’s Day, with the added factor of the spot light being on me, is my least favorite holiday.  I’d like to pretend it’s only for the noble reason of having compassion for others but in truth it’s quite selfish.

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Of course, if my own children (at least the ones who aren’t working before I need to sleep since I am working that night) don’t come over for brunch and to play games my nose will be completely out of joint (smile, wink, guilt).

Recently a FB friend brought this post to my attention.  A blogger, Meg Lanker, whom I have never met was accosted via a website called Crushes connected to the University of Wyoming.  The anonymous poster threatened to rape Ms Lanker with the end result being making her a Republican.  I’m certain none of the Republicans I know would want to be connected to the poster who threatened Ms Lanker and yet what they want really doesn’t matter.  When someone identifies as part of a group that individual speaks for the group, at least until others in the group object publicly to what has been said and disassociate themselves and their group from such thinking.

Potentially every group has fanatics, extremists the rest of the group wishes would go away or at least remain silent.  My husband often wonders why I choose to comment on other people’s posts or get in debates with people whose minds I have little hope of changing.  My answer is always the same–because someone else might be listening in and that person or those people need to know that the extremes don’t often speak for the whole.

When I read Meg Lanker’s post I was angry.  I also felt a little frightened for her.  No one deserves to be talked about or to in the manner she was on the Crushes site.  When I read the comments I was disappointed for other reasons as well.  First, I was unhappy that no Republicans wrote to distance themselves from the Crushes post.  I am also dismayed by some of the rhetoric coming from the other side.  I don’t think it’s because I’m hopelessly old fashioned; Lord knows I’ve let fly words I should have censored.  I just don’t think name calling and vulgarity have a place in public discourse.  Yes we can show our outrage by swearing, display our wit by name calling or push someone’s buttons doing both.   But neither does anything to advance our point.

In this new age of instant everything, where some people can type faster than I can think, it behooves us to use some of the time we save to construct well reasoned thoughts in order to advance good ideas in the best manner possible.  We need to “be the change we want to see” to borrow a philosophy from Mahatma Gandhi.  And, if that change is to promote peace and champion compassion toward the “Other” then it must begin with the words that pass through our lips.  If we are only laughing at people (putting them down or making fun of what they say), we are a long way away from winning our argument.

Even with tough talk from people like Gabrielle Giffords in this piece from The New York Times it is doubtful new gun restrictions will pass in the Senate.  The truth is voters just don’t care enough to make gun violence a voting issue and most of the politicians up for re-election in the next round are willing to hedge their bets.  The election is far enough out that barring another tragedy closer to the election our fearless leaders figure their vote on Wednesday (4/17/13) won’t be remembered even though according to the Quinnipiac Polling Institute 92%  of us have no objections to stricter background checks.  Instead our “representatives” in Washington are happy to (in effect) take the money and run.

What money?  The nearly $25 million dollars the NRA spent during last fall’s election.  13 of the 45 senators who defeated the measure for stricter background checks are up for reelection in 2014.  And none of them want to make an enemy of the NRA.  Rather than giving money to candidates who oppose stricter gun laws, the NRA is famous for giving money to anyone who runs against a candidate who advocates for stricter gun laws.  It’s a cheaper way to keep politicians in line; vote wrong and your opponent gets NRA money.  And sadly the NRA remembers.

So what can be done?  Unfortunately when it comes to issues like gun violence, not much.  I’m not trying to be a wet blanket.  Personally I’d like to see a ban on all assault weapons as well as high capacity magazines.  But, these types of restrictions won’t happen until we make laws that mean our politicians cannot be bought by wealthy individuals and special interest groups.  Until we have real campaign finance reform the will of the people, the common good, will continue to play second fiddle to monetary power.

The sad reality of issues like gun reform, alternative energy issues, public education, GMO’s, organic farming concerns, and more is that the people’s voice doesn’t matter.  These issues do not hold a large enough single issue voter base to make their numbers significantly impact elections.  Thus, the 51% or even the 92% don’t matter unless they have money to back up their votes.

Campaign finance reform is a complicated issue.  Simple fixes, like putting a cap on how much money individual candidates can spend on advertizing, while a step in the right direction would only have a minimal impact unless it is accompanied by strict regulations on what special interest groups, individuals, and corporations can spend.  Requiring groups to identify themselves with more than a “paid for by…” said in the last couple seconds of a spot or a small print disclaimer at the bottom of the page, would remind the public that information even when technically accurate always has a bias.  Just imagine, if 50% of an ad’s time or space had to clearly represent its sponsor, don’t you think we’d see a lot fewer negative ads.

For now, candidates are gearing up for the mid-term elections.  Since it isn’t a presidential election fewer special interest groups will weigh-in and considerably less money will be spent on advertizing. Unfortunately fewer minorities vote in mid-term elections as well so 2014 could be a year of change but might not change in ways of progress.

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FYI: The following senators voted against stronger background checks.  The bold type senators are up for reelection or their seats will be vacant in 2014.  The blue type were newly elected in 2008 and the red plan to retire in 2014: Reid AZ, Heitkamp ND, Ayotte NH, Portman OH Rubio FL, Begich AK, Baucus MT, Heller NV, Grassley IA, Pryor AR, Burr NC, Coats IN, Isakson GA, Chambliss GA, Johnson WI, Flake AZ, Blunt MO, Cruz TX, Johanns NE, Fischer NE, Corker TN, Moran KS, Vitter LA, Hoeven ND, Wicker MS, Grahm SC, Murkoski AK, Cornyn TX, Shelby AL, Alexander TN, Thune SD, Cochran MS, Roberts KS, Scott SC, Boozman AZ, McConnell KY, Hatch UT, Coburn OK, Crapo ID, Sessions AL, Inhofe OK, Paul KY, Barrasso WI, Risch ID, Lee UT, Enzi WI.  Additionally senators who voted for the tougher background checks will be retiring in Massachusetts, Michigan, New Jersey,  South Dakota, and West Virgina.  If one of these senators is from your state and doing something about gun violence is important to you keep it in mind during the election and when you go to vote.

I sat next to him in the car.  He was driving but we were stopped at a stop sign on a quiet neighborhood street.  My son was sobbing.  His pain shuddered through his body and all I could do was wait.  Gently I said, “God made you the way you are and He likes what He made.”  I knew what I was saying.  I knew the overwhelming burden he carried in his heart.  I understood what he was so afraid to tell me.  And I knew, just then he heard my words but believed I did not. have. a clue.

Today I am enraged but I am also grieving.

I hate that one second of time existed in which my son was afraid he might tell us–his family, or me–his mother, something that would cause us to stop loving him.  I hate he ever imagined he had to choose between loving himself and being loved by God.  I hate that much of the Church–made up of people who themselves have been forgiven for all kinds of cruel, selfish, deceptive, and sin-filled behavior–continues to preach damnation on people for who they are…for who they love.

I don’t remember ever saying anything which would have specifically contributed to my son’s fear but I didn’t climb up on any social-justice-soapboxes either.  And sometimes, remaining silent is experienced the same way as ugliness–deeply and at one’s core.  We attended the wrong fellowship.  We had attended wrong fellowships since he was born.  That didn’t help.  We had a politically and religiously conservative family tree.  That didn’t help either.  Still, I thought I had told my children often enough that there was nothing they could do which would cause me to quit loving them.

But this, THIS was not something my son did, though he spent hours in prayer trying to undo it.  This was not a decision he made like getting behind the wheel too drunk to drive or  shooting his body full of drugs.  Though on  at least one occasion his life was in danger of ending.  At one point in his life–including that point in the car–I loved my son far more than he loved himself and it was killing him, or threatening to.

So, I am done letting hate and fear and misguided righteousness speak for LOVE.  And I am done allowing those elements of the Church to speak for me.  Even more importantly, I am done allowing those elements of the Church claim to speak for my God while I politely hold my tongue.  As I discussed in my last post, condemnation of monogamous same-sex relationships is. not. supported. in the Bible any more than inequality is supported by our constitution.  [If you want more on that topic check out this post or read Kevin Higgs book, Hospitality to Strangers.

Jesus said nothing about homosexuality.  But, He had a whole lot to say about love, and loving our neighbors, and being known by our love, and even loving our enemies.  So, I refuse to entertain the idea that LOVE ever looks like the ugly, hate filled  condemnation spewed out of the mouths of people who later defend themselves by suggesting, “It is more loving to tell those people they will burn in hell unless they repent of their sin than to let them burn.  We love them too much to let them remain ignorant in their sin.”  To those who think that kind of rhetoric is love, I suggest a daily reading of I Corinthians 13.  And after you’ve given the love chapter a few weeks to sink in ask yourself–what would it look like if I followed the example of Christ as much as I apparently want others to follow the letter of the law?

My son is a bright, talented, compassionate young man.  He likes to cook, draw costumes and floor plans, listen to music, dance, and kayak.  He can contribute intelligently to most any conversation.  His littlest sister adores him.  And, the rest of us don’t thinks he’s half bad.  He’s a good friend and a good listener.  He’s loyal and supportive and has a wonderful laugh. He’s gifted in prayer and would make a great mentor, especially for kids who have had trouble in school.  He also happens to be gay.

I look forward to a future when the fact my son is gay will look as silly on the list above as the fact that he’s right handed or has five toes on his left foot.  I look forward to a future when the whole Church resembles the pure, spotless bride of Christ–void of our bigotry, self-righteousness, hypocrisy, and venom.   My son is “out of the closet”.  But the closet isn’t empty.  Sadly it is still filled with the chains and stones and lies that keep others locked inside.

I watched my son wrestle with his faith.  I saw the anguish it caused and felt helpless.  I sat by while he sorted out the truth from the lies. I held my breath and at times I held him.  I now see the scars the battle left behind.  And, I am grieved many of them were put there by the Church.  I know in my heart of hearts that my God has not forsaken my son.  My God looks at him, sees all that He created, and calls it good.  I pray that someday the Church can do the same.

PLEASE READ FIRST: If you follow the links I provide in this post and decide to comment, PLEASE be civil in how you say what you say.  Refrain from vulgar language and name calling even if that is your natural form of hyperbole.  To put it bluntly–I want to be the snarkiest person with whom any of my links need to deal.

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WARNING:  I’m going to talk about sex so if that topic bothers you, you probably want to find a different post to read.

I lifted the following quote from this blog:

I do not believe it is right, morally, for a man to marry a man, or a woman to marry a woman, or to be romantically involved in anyway for that matter. The Bible, in both Testaments, is clear, homosexual relationships are an abomination in the eyes of Yahweh, the God and Father of Jesus Christ. Therefore, they are also an abomination in Jesus’ eyes. In other words, homosexuality is wickedness.

In light of my last post, I was drawn to what the writer claims is clear in both Testaments and have decided the time has come for me to weigh-in, again.  Only this time specifically about the topic of same sex relationships and what “the Bible clearly says”.   I wish I could say I came to care about this aspect of equal rights simply because caring is the right thing to do but the truth is, for me, the issue is personal.

According to Bible scholars only a few passages in scripture mention homoerotic behavior. None are cut and dry.  The first passage, found in Genesis, is a story, specifically the story of Sodom.  The second are part of the purity codes found in Leviticus which have a lot to say about human sexual behavior in general and include a couple verses which focus on homoerotic activity.  Finally, there are three references in the New Testament, two from Paul’s letters–I Corinthians and I Timothy–which appear to be part of what are known as “vice lists” and a third located in the first chapter of Romans.

Before we delve into what these specific verses say we probably need to address the fallacy of the concept of one man and one woman in a committed, voluntary, monogamous relationship as “Biblical marriage”.  According to Thomas Kevin Higgs in Hospitality to Strangers, in

the ancient Mediterranean world from which the Bible came the purpose of marriage was the production of a legitimate heir…intimacy, and certainly sexual faithfulness, at least for men, were neither values nor concerns.  In the Old Testament… whether we look at patriarchs like Jacob or religious leaders like Moses or kings like David, we have ample evidence for a common pattern of multiple wives.

and that was Biblical marriage in the Old Testament.  In the New Testament Paul urges Christians not to marry at all.  In addition, the accepted practice of the day for marriage certainly did not have young people making marriage matches for themselves the way we in the West think of marriage today.  Therefore in three distinct ways modern marriage does not resemble “Biblical marriage”.  So now let us now turn to the verses I mentioned earlier.

Most scholars believe the visitors in the story of Sodom in Genesis chapter 19 are angels which puts a unique slant on what actually transpires in the story.  Rather than wanting  sex with other men the gang of men gathered outside Lot’s house sought to have sex with angels.  In ancient times having sexual relations with supernatural beings was akin to taking their spiritual powers, thus it was an abomination to God.  As a side note, Lot’s solution to the problem–to offer his virgin daughters to appease the mob–can hardly be seen by the present day Church as a “morally acceptable” alternative.

Understanding the purity codes, of which the Leviticus verses are  a part, requires acknowledging that the ancient Hebrew people were patriarchal.  To put it bluntly, women were considered less valuable than men, treated like property, and had almost no personal freedom.  Additionally, violence was a part of every day life.   And the Hebrews often found themselves living among other people groups who were equally violent and patriarchal.  The purity codes, then, served the duel purpose of protecting the Hebrew people, especially those who could not protect themselves, and of setting them apart from other groups so that God’s love for His creation could be revealed.  Knowing this about the culture offers an alternative reading of the Leviticus 18:22 prohibition (and its repetition in Leviticus 20:13), “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman” which could suggest that treating an equal (another man) like a subordinate (a woman) was the offense.

Even if one rejects the above interpretation of  the Leviticus verses it must be pointed out that multiple chapters in Leviticus outline behavior scripture calls detestable, an abomination, forbidden, and worthy of death.  Yet the modern day Church picked these two verses to champion.  We gladly ignore the forbidden wearing of cloth woven from two types of material and the outlawed marking of our bodies with tatoos.  We consider no longer applicable the decree to not cut the hair on the side of our heads, the directive to not hold back the wages of a hired man overnight, and the declaration to not eat meat with blood still in it.  Yet each of these injunctions are found in Leviticus as well.  To say our outrage with homoerotic behavior is disingenuous is putting it mildly at best.

Like the Leviticus verses the two “vice list” verses are essentially copies of one another.  The problem with these verses is that they rely on a Greek word that is not found anywhere else, not in scripture and not in other sources from the ancient world prior to their appearance in Paul’s writing.  The one clue we can get from Paul’s writing itself is in the order in which the word appears, within the group of “economic sins”.  Thus I Corinthians 6:9 and I Timothy 1:10 most probably denounce the exchange of money for sex, in this case possibly homoerotic sex.

The final passage that makes any reference to homoerotic behavior is found in Romans 1:26-27.  As plainly as this verse is read in most translations and as bluntly as it is interpreted by many traditional Church leaders today one would be tempted to say it’s a slam dunk.  But, they would be wrong.  Early church discussions regarding these verses suggest that verse 26 has nothing to do with women having sexual relations with other women at all but rather its focus is the positions these women use during sexual relations with men so as to avoid pregnancy.  And while verse 27 seems more explicit, most Bible scholars agree the main issue in both these verses is the the casual, promiscuous nature of the behavior rather than the type of behavior.

So that’s it–the murky water from which some modern day Church leaders build their prohibition of marriage equality and their damnation of homosexuality.  With so much about which the Bible is more clear and more vocal available to champion I am embarrassed and angry that the so-called mouth pieces of God have chosen to rattle their sabers against equality and justice.  To my friends, acquaintances, family members, and strangers in the GLBTQ community I apologize.

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Here‘s an excellent post by Jessica Gerson, also on the topic.

Today (3/31) is Easter.  But the other day my husband asked–why isn’t today Easter?  Why isn’t Easter every day?  Why celebrate it just once a year?  Obviously his questions were implying is that for Christians the point of our faith is the resurrected Christ since by raising from the dead Christ defeats sin and it is sin that separates us (humanity) from God, SO as Christ followers we should have the constant confidence and attitude of victors.

Prior to Jesus the Holy Scripture was a book of history and promises.  It pointed God’s people toward a savior and recorded God’s desire and multiple attempts to have fellowship with His people.  Prior to Jesus God’s people needed to make sacrifices, and follow strict guidelines of behavior in order to enter into that relationship.  We see in the Old Testament how over and over again God reached out to humanity but we failed to keep our end of the covenant.  When God finally sent Jesus most missed it.  They had been expecting a King, a warrior, a powerful Savior who would overcome their enemies by force and set them free from governmental oppression.  In what the religious leaders and the Roman dictators thought was the end they hung Jesus on the cross.  They crucified Him thinking, a). He was not the Savior they’d been promised, or b). they actually had power over Him.  Both were wrong.  And the empty tomb on Easter morning proves it.

Sadly, most of the American Church still acts like the religious leaders of Jesus’ day, looking for a Savior who will enter the scene guns blazing and “save” us from our “enemies”–an oppressive government, a sin infested culture, a fallen world.  (Much of the “second-coming” rhetoric literally paints such a picture).  Meanwhile they continue to heap religious law on the path between us and God not realizing that Christ’s coming, His witness, His resurrection is meant to “save” us from all such religious legalism.

The gift of salvation is ours no strings attached–no special sacrifice needed, no properly worded incantation necessary.  For me no other option exists because any other option (including the requirement to repent and confess) diminishes the fact that Christ accomplished what humanity up to that point could not–Christ kept covenant with His Father.  Because Christ maintained fellowship with God, because even in the despair of feeling abandoned by God He chose to cry out to God, “My God my God, why has Thou forsaken me?” Death could not hold Him.  The gap has been bridged.  The tomb is empty.  And everyday, even today (which is now April 1) is Easter.

My on-line Merriam Webster’s Learner’s Dictionary defines tolerant as 1). willing to accept feelings, habits, or beliefs that are different from your own, and 2). able to allow or accept something that is harmful, unpleasant, etc.  Given both these definitions, actually just the second, I am NOT tolerant and I am becoming less and less so every day.

For far too many years I tried to be.  I drank the kool-aid that taught me to submit to leadership, remain silent, not cause division, smile and nod, pay the tithe, pray for a right heart and a right attitude, submit, be quiet, submit, hold your tongue, submit, SHUT-UP!  And that was just the Church.  Many social-political attitudes toward women, political affiliations and educational institutions are almost as bad and my submission to them was almost as complete.  But, I’m not that person anymore.  Even though I never was very good at the hold your tongue part I’m grieved I ever thought I was supposed to be, ashamed I tried to be.  And, angry at most of the powers that be.

Seriously, since when are the people of God (or political parties in a nation founded on the principles of freedom and equality) called to be cowards?  Because allowing or accepting something that is harmful or unpleasant is cowardice.  And much of what the westernized Church has become is tolerant toward (if not out spoken in favor of) a host of attitudes and behaviors that are both unpleasant and harmful.  And, I for one refuse to be counted in that number any longer.

I do not accept an interpretation of scripture or a characterization of God that places Old Testament law ahead of New Testament love.  I will not follow a call to worship that expects us to act out of fear rather than fellowship, greed rather than grace, or self preservation rather than compassion.  I will not accept racist, sexist, and anti-GLBTQ attitudes that cause one set of people to deny another set of people the rights they claim for themselves.  I will not allow such attitudes to be expressed in words or actions around me, especially by those who claim to represent my God,  and remain  silent.

Where human rights and human dignity are involved I do not accept that we merely have a difference of opinion.  Right and wrong, good and evil should not be that difficult to discern.  And, when something is wrong or something is evil it must be resisted.  Silence is the same as support–patience and tolerance the same as silence.

I am tired of bigotry hiding under the lie, “The Bible clearly states…” or “It has always been seen/done like (fill-in the blank)“  In fact, the Bible clearly states very little about race, gender, and godly human sexuality.  And, no present day doctrine or practice has always been the way it currently is.  Like everything else in the Bible what it does say needs to be understood through language differences, time differences, and cultural differences.  And, how we put into practice what we believe scripture advocates looks considerably different today than it did a hundred years ago let alone 2000 years ago.

I’m not asking you to doubt God, or to spit in His metaphorical eye.  But for anyone willing to learn I urge you to study out for yourself the serious questions facing the Church today–race, gender equality, sexual orientation, stewardship of the planet.  (And, hold on to the promise implied in John 14 that the Spirit will teach you).  Don’t stop with one person’s interpretation of a single verse taken out of context and translated into a modern language.  Look at the whole of scripture.  Ask if the Bible has more than one example.  Find out who was writing or speaking, under what circumstances, and to which group of people.  Discover whether key words have alternative translations.  Find out if and how the position of the Church has changed over time.  Determine what over arching principles are highlighted and if you are looking at an illustration to a point or a specific tenant.  Read between the lines–in other words, look at what is NOT said and examples of behavior, as well as the words which are spoken.

At the very least, if you are unable to defend your point of view when confronted with a different point of view (because you haven’t studied out the issue for yourself) then kindly do not tell me what you’ve been told the Bible clearly says in an effort to give your ignorance,  bias, prejudice, bigotry, (fear) or hatred more weight.  I don’t have a problem with the first definition of tolerance.  I am willing to accept feelings, habits, and beliefs that are different from my own, especially if they are founded in careful study. However, when those feelings, habits or beliefs harm someone else I will act.  And, when they misrepresent the God of my faith I will speak out.

Intentional.  Risk.  Health.  Confrontation.  What do those four words have in common?  I’m certain most of you could connect the dots in some pretty interesting ways.  But for me these four words have been about a journey, my journey.

Four years ago I was in my third year of a graveyard shift job in a group home for developmentally disabled adults. I had a four and a half year old at home which is why I worked the graveyard (to avoid daycare).  We had just moved to a new house.  Four of our five children lived at home.  I home schooled my youngest son.  It was his junior year of high school.  My oldest daughter who started out home schooling with us decided she would rather go to public school after all.  And, I was miserable.

I had been blogging for over two years and had met a variety of people on-line.  I found them interesting, engaging, challenging, and at times frustrating.  Of course, I hadn’t actually met any of them but I followed their blogs and engaged in various on-line discussions.  Having walked out of what I’d tagged Building-based Christianity nine months earlier  I felt I’d found a new fellowship.  I have never been particularly social, or comfortable in large groups so an on-line fellowship suited me just fine, especially since I could chime in or bow out at will.

At the beginning of the year, rather than a New Year’s resolution I felt like God gave me a word.  A word to ponder through out the whole year.  The word was INTENTIONAL.  About mid-March I decided I wanted to go back to school.  I toyed with the possibly  of law school but eventually settled for renewing my teaching certification. I applied for a loan and signed up for classes.  I quit my job a couple weeks before the semester started.  And most surprising of all–I told my husband what I was doing through out this process.  I didn’t ask his permission.  To the best of my ability I planned classes around my family’s schedule since one of our children was just starting kindergarten and I was still homeschooling our youngest son.

I began school thinking I could pick up both an art and a political science endorsement but by the middle of the first semester I knew it had to be one or the other.   Art won out.  I didn’t know until it happened that I would get a new word as the new year rolled around and wasn’t quite sure what to make of the word I got.  It was RISK.

I decided to let the word inform my art.  I pushed myself to let what I was wrestling with internally find expression externally.  I did a series gum and cyanotypes in Alternative Processes Photography which explored the weight of legalistic religion and I did a series of beds in Drawing II that spoke of brokenness and relationship.  Both were break through pieces for me but the beds were the most successful artistically.

By the end of my first year I realized I needed to go back to work if we were going to meet our financial obligations so in May I applied to my current place of employment.   That summer I started once again working graveyards. This time it was in a group home for children who were removed from their homes due to severe neglect or abuse.  I was determined to keep going to school.  Thus, even though my plate was full I signed up for 9 credits.  While I’d never describe going back as easy I was soon going to find out what difficult meant.  The first semester with one studio class, two ed classes, and a lot of neglected “home” work I eked through.

And, in December I already had my word for the coming year–HEALTH.  I wasn’t impressed.

I tried to forget about the word.  I didn’t want to diet and I didn’t have time to exercise.  I tried to focus on school.  I saw a flier telling art majors to get their BFA applications in by the middle of February.  I looked at the course requirements.  The credit requirements were the same.  The difference was that BFA students had a couple more required courses and BA students a couple more electives.  I applied.  I figured  if they said no they said no.  The feedback would be valuable regardless.  I believe the review shows went up the first week of March.  My life began a free-fall the night I set up my show.  It hit bottom two months later just before I told my husband I was done doing what we were doing, that I didn’t know how to try any harder and what I was doing obviously wasn’t working.  I told him he needed to get healthy and I was going to get healthy even if it meant ending our marriage.

Not knowing how to keep going was hit head on by not knowing how to stop.  Over the next two month we told various family members that I wanted a divorce.  My plan was to separate, move out, and try to figure out how to do our children together.  My father was outspokenly against my plan and angry at our second oldest son for supporting me.  A friend cautioned me to look carefully at the financial picture because it could impact my ability to keep my daughters.  In the end I did not move out of the house but I did move into a separate bedroom.  I was broken and angry and hurting.  But, I also had to face a very important fact: I had not actually done everything I could.  Instead,  I had told myself it wouldn’t matter.  And, I had begun to act on what I really wanted to do–give up and run away.

My husband ask me to go to counseling with him.  Our previous attempt–20 plus years ago with a husband and wife Christian marriage counseling team–was in my opinion religious, sexist, and not at all helpful so I agree to counseling with one condition, I insisted we go to a secular counselor.  Honestly, I had very little hope in saving or repairing our marriage and felt the best I could expect was for the counselor to help us figure out how to end well.  What I told my husband was that if we did go the counseling route he’d better be ready to look at a whole lot of shit.

Somewhere between that conversation and our first appointment with the counselor it dawned on me–I was guilty of censorship.  I had withheld the truth (about how I felt, what I thought, what I wanted, how I saw him functioning in our family, what was important to me, and what I expected) in the name of trying to be loving and kind and godly and selfless and…So, when we sat in front of our counselor for the first session I promised myself I would be honest.  I would NOT sugar coat my feelings.  I’d face my anger, and hurt, and frustration.  In short–I would chose health over peace or ease.  It has been the best decision I ever made.  But even so I’ve had to make it again and again over the past eight months.

Last January I got a new word–CONFRONT.  I suspect I will understand a whole lot more about how I function and what I truly want my life to be about before this year is done.  I also suspect the relationships in my life will either become more authentic or less important.  I hope that while I confront my dragons, and adversaries, and issues I also begin to more honestly realize what it is like to walk in another person’s shoes.  I at least know that what ever this new word brings my way I am on a journey and the journey isn’t over yet.  Thank God!