I have nearly come full circle in the abortion debate.  In college I took the stand that while I personally believed abortion was wrong I could not make that decision for another individual.  It was at the time a cowardly stance, derived by the fact that I did not really want to have to think about the details of the issue.  A few years later, my pro-life views became more predominant and I believed that no one had the “right” to abort a baby, period.  These views were fueled primarily by a religious spirit that was equally unwilling to look into the deeper elements of the choice/life issue.  In the last couple years, however, I have come to see why some women believe they have or had no other options, and how others did not even understand what they were doing at the time they were doing it.  I have become more personally aware of the difficulties single moms encounter.  I am more attuned to the emotional ramifications of the various choices women face, thanks in part to the blogger I talked about in my CHOICES  post.  Yet, I also believe individuals ultimately choose how they live, and what they value even when their choices are heavily influenced by outside forces or challenging circumstances. 

One of my favorite books in high school was Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning.  In it, Frankl recounts some of his experiences and observations while a prisoner in the Nazi concentration camps during World War II.  As he reflected on the cruelty of those who seemingly had control over him and his fellow prisoners, Frankl concluded that even though they were stripped of their possessions, separated from their families most of whom they never saw again, and forced to live, work, and die under horrendous conditions they still could decide how to respond to their captors and their circumstances.  Frankl’s situation was extreme yet he noted the same extreme cruelty perpetrated against each prisoner did not always result in the same kind of responses on the part of each prisoner.  While some gave up, others persevered.  While some tried to curry favor with the S. S. others turned on those prisoners who succeeded in gaining favor.  While some filled their minds with thoughts of revenge others chose to forgive their captors.  And, while some would do anything in order to get more food or a better pair of shoes others would not.

All our actions have consequences.  Some of the consequences are desired and some are not.  At the same time, we are not always in control of what happens to us.  A car can run a red light and hit our car.  The situation is out of our control.  Yet, at that moment we choose to respond and our response is  in our control.  Some might get out of their car and start screaming at the person who ran the red light.  Others might demand to see the driver’s insurance information.  And, still others might ask if the driver and passengers from the other vehicle are okay.  These responses–self-righteous, legalistic, and compassionate–are actually the three basic responses people have to most every situation.  The self-righteous response includes blaming someone or something else for our behavior when our behavior might be seen as less than ideal.  The legalistic response includes justifying our behavior because the law or the social customs say we are within our “rights” to respond the way we do.  Interestingly, Jesus was neither impressed with the Pharisees nor the Romans, the law nor the social customs.  His heart was for the hurting, the wounded, the oppressed, and the helpless. 

Like I said, with regard to the abortion issue: I have nearly  come full circle.  Should abortion be legal?  Ultimately, I still stand on the no side of that issue but my toes are touching the line that separates the two camps.  While I cannot support the taking of life, especially life that cannot defend itself, the fact of the matter is that abortion is already legal.  Personally, I do not see this fact changing and the amount of time and resources we spend to try and change the law are a waste.  Jesus did not form political action committees or country clubs to try to force change or establish social standards within the established systems.  Instead, He chose to form relationships which circumvented these systems in order to change hearts. 
Recently, I landed on this the Recycle Your Faith website and watched this video.  I realized while I do have very strong convictions on the issue of abortion I have even stronger convictions as to what it means to love.  And, if I am to error in loving someone I much rather error on the part of loving with too much grace than on loving with too much law.

When my older children were little I read aloud to them from chapter books that were considerably above their reading level but not beyond their interest level.  The youngest ones would soon be asleep listening to the drum of my voice but the older two fought sleep to stay awake and hear the whole chapter.  The worlds and images created by such wonderful writers as Brian Jacques and C. S. Lewis captured their imagination and would often show up later in their outdoor games.

Recently I returned to that nighttime ritual with our three year old.  Much to my surprise and delight the two youngest older children have started to sit in on our reading times.  The book I started with, Tales of the Kingdom  by David and Karen Mains is probably over my youngest daughter’s head (which could account for her falling a sleep within minutes of my beginning to read).  The other two, however, sometimes ask me to read the next chapter as well.  (Strange behavior, perhaps, for a 14 and 17 year old).  I am blessed to have this time with my children.  I like reading aloud and enjoy hearing their commentary afterwards.

The book, Tales of the Kingdom, is the first of a trilogy.  The other two books are: Tales of Resistance  and Tales of Restoration.  I had forgotten how much I liked these books, how meaningful they were to me, spiritually.  Each chapter is a story in and of itself with a bit of a lesson summary at the end while the main characters remain the same from chapter to chapter and book to book.  I would highly recommend them to anyone with children.  In fact, I would suggest volunteering in the Church nursery just to have an excuse to read them, if you do not have children! 

Blessings and Happy 4th All!  Minnow

Some days all I really need to say is AMEN to something someone else has said better than I have been able to say it.  Today is such a day.  The following quotes by Julie Clawson at One Hand Clapping  express the frustration some emerging missional believers have with those who would like to stereotype us as not really believing in Christ:

“Don’t know how many times we have to stand up and say that caring for the Kingdom, seeking justice, and loving others is  all about choosing to focus more on Christ.  As Christians we believe in him and follow him.  He said, if you love me you will obey me.  Not, “if you love me, you will worship a ethereal, conceptualized version of me that is disembodied from action and the world I came to save.”  “

In our attempts to defend the idea of working toward realizing the Kingdom on earth emerging missional types often come off sounding like we have forgotten the deity of Christ. Yet, more often building relationship with the God-man is precisely why we seem focused almost exclusively on orthopraxy.  Correct practice is an expression of our deep love for God as well as the deeper love we feel emanating from Him toward us.  Our obedience to His commands confirms our faith that He is indeed divine and worthy to be obeyed. 

The danger in picking either/or rather than both/and was articulated well by Clawson and bares repeating:

“When following Jesus becomes simply about doing works or simply about standing in awe of a divine person then we’ve got problems – and a Jesus that has nothing to do with the Jesus of the Bible.”

Exchanging one deficient version of Jesus for a different, equally deficient version accomplishes nothing and in fact reduces our faith to a whitewashed tomb rather than an empty one.  After His resurrection Jesus told Peter to feed His sheep.  He told the eleven to go and make disciples, to drive out demons and to heal the sick.  During the last supper He told His disciples to love each other in the same way that He loved them.  Just as their obedience was to be their witness, our obedience is to be ours. 

Ignoring, or worse denying, the social gospel is the same as saying God does not love the world He claims to love and did not send His Son because of His love for the world.  We can still honor Him as an all powerful Creator but without His love offering we have no path to the Father.  And, without a path to the Father our faith is as good as dead.  Peter basically tell the early Church the same thing when he say in 2 Peter 1:8: ^“For if you possess these qualities [faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love] in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective  and unproductive  in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” 

Our knowledge of Christ has a job to do, a job that is part of our walking out of our salvation and our showing our faith by our works.  On this point the writers of the New Testament agree.  We no longer “work” in order to satisfy the law or meet the demands of a covenent we kept breaking.  Our “work” is in response to what Christ alone accomplished.  We love because He first loved us.  Nothing we do can undo His love.  But everything we do has the potential to reflect it.  The choice is ours.  Let’s choose love.

I had an interesting online dialogue the last few days which caused me to think about how I think and what I value as well as how that contrasts with the values and thinking of other people.  Issues like freedom are important to me.  Yet with my freedom I have made choices that actually end up limiting my freedom in fairly profound ways, such as choosing to marry and have children.  In addition, I gladly live in a society that puts parameters around the freedom it advocates for its citizenry.  And while most of these parameters are regarded by most Americans as beneficial to society as a whole, that is not always true for all people.
The topic of the blog I happened upon was primarily about the impact of adoption on birth mothers.  The woman I dialogued with brought up a point I have never actually thought much about relating to this aspect of the choice/life issue.  The argument was put forth that society in general does not think too much about birth mothers who release their babies to adoption.  Until recently, they were expected to just go away, never have contact with their babies again, and presumably get on with their lives–happy  to be relieved of an unwanted baby and confident  they had done the “right” thing.  I hate to admit it but prior to reading this blog, I probably came close to holding that same attitude.  Yet as was pointed out, such is not always, or perhaps even often, the real result.  The woman I dialogued with stated that for some birth mothers the adoption process never ends, that women who turn their babies over for adoption often feel coerced into making decisions which go against their internal sense of what would be best for them making the letting go process painful, the loss of autonomy extreme, and the life long effect devastating.  Having listened to women who felt pressured into having abortions against their internal sense of self, I immediately understood that being fed a lie which is eventually exposed or a promise that can not be kept by the one doing the promising (no matter from which side the lie is told) indeed complicates the healing process and makes finding a sense of peace that much more challenging. 
In dialoguing with this blogger I began to see how very different our thinking was even though we both claim some similar values, like: a desire for freedom, the conviction that  women are capable of thinking for themselves, and the belief that manipulation with lies (a form of coercion) is fundamentally wrong.  Holding fast to her values, she found my response to her point of view illogical, misogynous, patronizing, and disrespectful of her personally.  While she obviously felt  disrespected and patronized by what I said, I do not believe I engaged in disrespectful or patronizing behavior.  I did not call her names, lie to her, belittle her point of view, or threaten her.  I listened to what she had to say (actually I read her blog), including the link and comments, and I offered my point of view in the comments she provided and controlled.  I also repeatedly said it was not my place to assign a right or wrong judgment to her choices (or anyone else’s for that matter).  But, because I told her that, had she come to me pregnant I would have been one of the voices that counseled her to give birth and although I fully accepted her assessment of her own peace of mind and lack of regret, I was still accused of disregarding her emotional self assessment, of not respecting her ability to make a decision for herself, and of misogyny. 
The reality of living in community is that we need to place parameters around our freedom and establish ways to enforce those parameters or society would turn into a survival of the fittest power struggle where coercion would become a way of life and distrust society’s heart beat.  In a peace filled, non-coercive, community those who are unable to represent themselves nevertheless deserve to have their  interests represented by an impartial party.  These facts are what drive my position in the choice/life debate.  People who claim that this issue is only about what women do with their own bodies are in my opinion promoting a lie.  Calling the life inside these women a mass of cells, a zygote, or a fetus in order to avoid the fact that this life, if left alone would in all likelihood result in a self-contained human being, is deceptive.  Yes, women are called upon to provide the environment in which these beings grow and develop until they are capable of self-sustained life.  However, women are not  simply dealing with an extension of their own bodies.  And while hosting these beings may impact the health of the hosts, prematurely removing them is not necessarily (even though it may at times be) better for the health of the hosts. 
There is much more to be said on the choice/life issue.  I am actually contemplating a part two.  For now I am thankful for bloggers like Auntie Hallie who give me much food for thought, even when we must at times agree to disagree.

I just read an interesting blog at One Hand Clapping  about all the twittering going on concerning the elections in Iran.  One comment lead me to look up an organization called Invisable Children.  Did you know there is going to be a two day event in D.C. to draw political attention to the plight of children in Uganda who have been abducted and drafted into the Lord’s Resistance Army, which is led by Joseph Kony who is anything but a Godly man?  Me either, until tonight that is (6/19, which won’t be tonight by the time this gets posted).  I wonder why? 

I even know a missionary in Uganda.  So, I should be more aware of what is going on over there.  She visited our fellowship less than a year ago, but then she was not invited to speak so maybe that has something to do with why I do not know anything.  Come to think of it, she does not even have a link on our fellowship’s website.  Nor is there a link to the Invisible Children  website.  Yet, somehow we still consider our fellowship missions friendly.  Strange.  Or, then again maybe not.

Can you tell I am a little miffed?  Well if not just stay tuned.  I want to know: why do organizations like Invisible Children  think they will get more accomplished by rallying in front of the White House and lobbying U.S. congressmen then by moblizing the Church?  Is it because they have tried to mobilze the Church and the Church refuses to pick up the ball???!  Is it because the Church thinks cowardly sticking the four spiritual laws tracts under people’s windshild wipers and teaching Vacation Bible School children that God’s got the whole world in His hands is the same as feeding His sheep and caring for the widows and orphans?

Where is the Church?  And please do not try and apease my anger by suggesting that the Church is there, working in the trenches, ministering to those in need just not with all the fanfare of governmental agencies.  The absolute truth of the matter is that the Institutionalized Church budgets less than 10 percent of its resources to missions.  In fact it comes closer to 2 percent.  So while a few in the Church are   in the trenches, risking their lives and working to make a difference, the westernized Church  as a whole cannot exactly say it has done or is doing much of anything!  In fact I am pretty amazed we even dare to call ourselves the Church since we have become so disconnected from what the Church in the first century looked like.

Recently my son asked this question on his Facebook status update:  How do I show that I love my God?  He asked because he kept hearing people talk about how much they love God but he was not really seeing much in the way of physical evidence.  I think my son already knows the answer to his question is:  You show you love your God by doing as He did and by obeying His commandments. 

So, what did Jesus do?  He healed the sick.  He fed the hungry.  He cut through all the religious (and political) bullshit and He got His hands dirty by relating to the tax collectors and prostitutes, in other words–the politically incorrect people.  And, what were His commands to His disciples?  He told them to love God and to love one another as He loved them.  Why?  In order to be a witness. 

Jesus also told His disciples that whatever they did for the least of these  they did for Him.  Whatever–as in everything–good or ill.  Does that not catch your breath?  Well, it should, Church.  It should make sitting in the pews in all our finest fashions with our Mabeline lashes flittering and our Covergirl lips smiling down right uncomfortable. 

Entire people groups are being wiped out.  And, where is the Church?  Thousands are being displaced and hundreds are being abducted.  And, where is the Church?  Children are snatched right out of the arms of their mothers and if they try to escape  their throats are slit with machetes.  And, where is the Church?  We are sitting in padded pews, bathed in the sunlight that streams through our stunning stain glass windows, impatient, because our pot roasts are being over cooked or the big game is about to begin and we might miss the opening minutes.  Most of us can not even be bothered to help our sister fellowships build a Habitat for Humanity House or run a local soup kitchen let alone worry about something happening half way around the world. 

Despite our repeating the Lord’s prayer or our reciting the Apostles Creed we are NOT evidencing our faith in an all knowing all powerful God merely by gathering in a building on Sunday morning.  Do you know who the King in the parable in Matthew 25 is talking to when he says: “Depart from me you who are cursed”?  He is talking to the part of the Church  that failed to care for the hungry, the thirsty, the stranger, the naked, the sick, and the imprisoned.  He states His position very clearly in verse 45 when he says: “I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.” 

I want to know where in the hell of Uganda and the Congo, or the sex trades in Thailand, the poverty of India, and the suffering of Darfur is the Church?  Why are our tithe dollars going toward multimillion dollar buildings when 10,000 children are dying of starvation every day?  How dare we call ourselves “little Christs”?!  Since when did the Christ we claim to follow turn His back on those who are weary and burdened?  Or close His eyes and ears to the cries of the afflicted?  Do you really want to save someone from hell?  Begin with the hell on earth!

Is it just me and my life or do others feel spiritually ill at ease?  My senses are heightened and  I am more sensitive to conflict or disturbances in relationships.  The other day I was trying to talk to my son on a cell phone (I do not own one I was using my other son’s new Verizon, anyway).  The son I was talking to was using a cordless phone and had gone outside.  What he was saying to me kept cutting in and out and I found myself getting extremely frustrated.  In another area of life I over heard a conversation on Facebook (because my son has been reading it aloud to me).  My son was commenting along with a few others on a post one of his friends wrote.  (My last post was actually spurred on a bit by some of this overheard conversation).  The harsh and judgmental voices of some on the post have stirred a frustration in me toward my fellow Christians.  Do we honestly believe it does not matter how we come across to the rest of the world, that as long as we are speaking truth (or at least our version of truth) the tone we take and the venom we spew is unavoidable? 

Most of us are familiar with the saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”  I do not know if a greater lie has ever been told.  Not only can what we say be false and therefore hurtful but the manner in which we speak can, and sadly often does, break the heart of God.  I know I am not immune.  I have said hurtful things in the past and being so opinionated I am likely to do so again.  But, as ugly and angry as I have gotten, when confronted about my attitude I nearly always feel regret.  Some of the people in my son’s conversation on Facebook sounded all too familiar.  I have been running into those voices more and more often while browsing the web as the institutional Church starts to feel more and more threatened by outside forces and more and more desperate to hang on to what its got.

My grandmother used to say, you can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.  As a little girl I never understood why you would want to attract flies in the first place but now I understand what she was actually saying.  Our speech and behavior, when gentle and kind, is going to draw much more positive attention then if we are harsh and belittling.  People are  more likely to consider what we have to say if they think they, too, have been heard and if we bother to take their questions seriously.  And, if we are in the process of meeting a need at the same time they are even more receptive to our words. 

I personally believe our actions speak louder than our words.  So, if our feet and hands and hearts are a testimony to the love of God then the words we need to fill in the gaps are pretty few.  The Word to us is clear.  We are to obey His command to love the Lord and to love others as we love ourselves.  We are to feed the widows and orphans.  In so far as we are able we are to live at peace.  We are to remember those in prison.  We are to pray.  We are to submit one to another.  We are to be ready with a testimony.  And, we are to abide.

No where in scripture does it say to beat up the other guy until he thinks the way you do, even when it come to the really big  sins, like being gay, or pro-choice (not to mention gluttony, greed, or gossip).  Our mandates with regard to sin are also clear.  We are to restore repentant believers gently.  We are to remove the planks from our own eyes before we attempt to remove the speck from our brother’s.  And, we are NOT to judge, lest we be judged.

Some of the people my son was talking with on-line love to talk about how much they feel the Holy Spirit at work in their lives, how the only thing of importance is their pursuit of truth, and how they are running hard after God.  These are not bad things.  However, when we spend too much time patting ourselves (and others we think are like us) on the back for our spiritual prowess and then turning around to point our fingers at the lowly sinners we begin to sound a lot more like the Pharisees than the disciples.

Have you ever gone Church hunting?  Of course now a days the web can make it much easier.  You do not even need to step foot in some of the buildings you would have had to visit at least once if you were seriously looking, say fifteen years ago.  Now you can find out what kind of music they have, discover what their children’s ministries are like, hear a sample sermon, and even check out a statement of beliefs, all before you darken the door.  Of course checking things out on-line is not exactly the same as a face to face encounter but one can narrow the field of possibilities dramatically with a few quick clicks of the mouse.

If I were ever a part of a “Church plant” my statement of beliefs would be rather simple.  First it would say:  We believe that what  we believe is not half so important as the fact that God loves you.  Secondly, I would add that we believe in a creator God whose love for His people is so strong He manifest His presence on the earth in the form of His son, Jesus, who lived a sinless life, was crucified, and rose from the dead so we would know the way back to the Father.  Then our statement would say, we believe God continues to communicate with His creation through the counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom Jesus promised the disciples His Father would send when they no longer had Him in the flesh.  And I would add, we believe in the forgiveness of sin as modeled by Christ in His death and extended to all through His manifested and resurrected life.  Finally my statement of beliefs would say, we believe in the redemption of the sinner and the restoration of the Kingdom.  The rest of what one might find in other statements of faith I would say is pretty much open to discussion as long as it does not get ugly.

My mission statement would probably seem strange to most.  It would begin by saying, as the called out gathered  we believe it is our mission to testify as to what the Lord is doing in our midst and in so far as we are able to be available to be used by the Lord to minister encouragement, forgiveness, fellowship, help, and healing.  So, bring a song, a word, a question, a need.  Walk with us and let us walk with you and may we each be given the measure of His peace, the portion of His love, and the abundance of His joy that we need for our journey together.  I might also mention our desire as a fellowship to use our talents and resources to reach out to the marginalized, the broken, and the needy around and among us.

Our called out gatherings  would probably never look the same way twice.  Though, I would hope we would always have time for testimonies and encouragement.  I suspect at times we might share a meal together and perhaps some music or other creative expression.  I imagine some would want to pray and others might bring a word.  But, these elements would not necessarily happen at every gathering nor be performed by the same person each time.  If we were to take up an offering it would be because we knew of a need or wanted to bless another ministry.  Our leadership, per se, would not be paid and our “building” would most likely be a public place, like a coffee shop or park, or an individual’s living room, depending on our size.  Maybe we could volunteer to be the janitorial service somewhere in exchange for the use of the facility once a week.  I doubt we would ever become too big.  Still, we could multiply and end up have lots little gatherings in a bunch of different places. 

If we are really blessed, we might start looking like Jesus and His disciples.  Wouldn’t that be amazing!

Maybe I am crossing paths with an unusually high volume of people who are influenced by the Kansas City IHOP theology but seriously the “Hell is coming” message/mentality is really starting to “creep me out” (to borrow a phrase from my teenagers).  And if you are one of those who preach the fire and brimstone stuff I already get that, that seems to be your point.  I just do not appreciate it quite the way you do.  If you want to know my full views on hell you can check out the archives (here, here, here, here, and here), I will try not to repeat myself in this post but I do have a few thoughts that include the idea of hell. 

As I browse various Christian sites I have run into a high volume of those who point to the end times.  Either they predict it is near and warn the world to “turn or burn”.  Or, they are so focused on the here after that they ignore the fact they must live in the here and now.  These are disturbing attitudes to me for a few reasons.  First the turn or burn rhetoric is often void of compassion.  In addition, these attitudes can cause us to become unhealthily introspective.  And finally, concentrating on the future puts blinders on us with regard to the ever present  need around us. 

Perhaps the anonymity of the internet has a little something to do with it BUT those who continually point to hell as a reason to think the way they think do not seem to care how rude or insulting they become toward the rest of the world.  I actually had someone say to me once that it did not matter how “ugly” or harsh his retoric got since hell was so much worse, he was actually being loving by being so hateful.  Does anyone else see the problem with that thinking?  In the first place most of those he was talking to/about did not themselves believe in hell.  Therefore from their point of view they were being threatened with a non-entity.  It held no power and in fact caused them to turn farther away than ever.  The “Protect Marriage” site is a prime example.  Gays and Lesbians are routinely told they are going to hell even despite their own confessions of Christ.  Those who object to such judgmental attitudes (Christian or not) are thrown into the same pot.  They are told they are deceived, obviously do not know what the Bible teaches, and are an “abomination” to God.  Like the person I mentioned earlier, they defend their ugly rhetoric by claiming it is the most loving thing they can do, considering the damnation awaiting those who do not repent.  But, when asked for specific references they, of course, cannot provide them.  But they know, “It’s in the Bible!”  I have heard countless non-Christians describe Christians in general as rude, hateful, ignorant, and crass because of the kind of condemnation they encounter on such sites from “Christ’s representatives”.  Grrr…Sadly, these are not the attributes the Bible urges believers to adopt.

“Fill us up, Lord.”  “More, Lord.”  “Come quickly.”  “Pour out your Spirit on Your people.”  “Let us see Your face.”  “Rain on me.”  “Send Your glory.”  “Manifest Your presence.”  “Oh God, oh God, oh God.”  Taken individually, not one of these prayers is a bad thing.  But, a steady diet of this stuff combined with a strong sense of His eminent return can result in a pretty heightened opinion of oneself.  People start talking about soaking in His presence, being shown favor, and walking under the “anointing”.  Those who do not share these experiences begin to wonder what is wrong with them.  And those with anointing or favor begin to expound on how it is done.  On the one hand, the inexperienced doubt their connection to God and start to focus on “getting filled” (in a hurry).  Throw in a little “speak things that are not as if they are” and you have a sure recipe for posing.  On the other hand, the “filled” begin to build their little groupie wanna-be’s so they can bring more glory to God, (before it’s too late).  Meanwhile, the overall obsession with “feeling  God’s presence” creates for the entire group a superficiality from which escape is difficult.  Do not get me wrong–I am not condeming or even belittling relationship with God.  My problem is with seeking a feeling  to the exclusion of walking out ones faith in the day to day.

The last problem I have with focusing our whole attention toward the here after is the neglect that attitude promotes toward the hurting, here and now.  If  we only care about a person’s soul, the person’s body can already be in hell  and we could not care less.  One of my favorite sections in Shane Claiborne’s book, Irresistible Revolution, was when he talked about being in Calcutta with Mother Theresa.  The short term missionaries often asked, “Why doesn’t God heal these folks?  Wouldn’t this be the perfect time–they are so helpless; He surly would get the glory?  Didn’t Jesus say we  would do even greater things than He did?”  Then Claiborne watched as some of the attendants sang over the bodies of the dying.  He understood that, that–giving comfort to a dying man, granting him the dignity of a bed rather than the street to die in–was the greater thing.  Mother Theresa knew that we can do something about the hell millions of people live in every day.  Now, we must learn a lesson from her and those like her.

We do not have to wait for the end times to experience hell.  If we have eyes to see and hears to hear all we need is to open them to the world around us.  Our efforts to save people from hell ought to begin with a renewed manifestation of the fruit of the Spirit in our lives, the greatest of which is love.

To use a little Christianese I have hit a “dry season” in my life. Honestly, if I were a Calvinist I might be afraid I am not among the “chosen”. And, if I were an Armenian I might have to worry that I have “lost my salvation” instead. The truth is my faith in God is not what is in jeopardy; rather it is my faith in God’s people.  I have become cynical toward the Church.  Seriously, there are just too few Kathy Escobars and Eugene Chos in the Church (world) and too many talking fish (minnowspeaks–ahem). 

Talk is cheep folks.  And, for someone who would like to have earned her living with words that is a pretty damning indictment.  Yet, I look at what I am doing  and I have to wonder when is it going to change?  When am I going to do more lifting of hands to help then pointing of fingers to judge?  When is “reach out and touch someone” going to mean me?!

Yesterday (Saturday) I had “Church” at the food bank.  I go because it is the one time all week that I actually think what I am doing will make a difference for someone else.  And please, do not give me the “but you’re a mom” speech.  I get that, I do.  I even believe my role as mom IS the most valuable role I have.  But it is not all of who I am and the rest of what I do goes a long way toward defining me as a mom so that speech just does not change the point I want to make.  Two hours a week I get to make a teeny-tiny difference.  Two hours a week I put food in boxes, work and laugh with friends, and a family takes home enough to last them maybe three days.  It is a step.  And I am blessed by the one or two dozen folks that keep the food bank happening despite all the “Church” politics and all the government red tape.

Still, the dreams I have in my head and the reality of my days do not line up. 

Sometimes I am angry as a result.  I want to run up on the platform at my old fellowship some Sunday morning and scream at the people in the pews (but mostly just the leadership) “WHY!?  Why are we not doing more?  Where is the cost free daycare for single moms or the free clinic or the weekend mechanics to help keep the junkers running that so many families need to rely on to get back and forth from their minimum wage jobs?”  We have this huge building that remains unused most of the week and I want to know when the Church dropped the ball.  When did we quit thinking it was our job to feed the poor or care for the widows and orphans?  We have the organization, the facility, the man power BUT WHAT GOOD IS IT?

Sometimes I am just frustrated.  I do not do social well.  I get a dry throat at the mere thought of starting a conversation with someone I do not already know, let alone trying to figure out how to network with a whole bunch of someones I do not already know.  And, why does everything seem to take so much money?  How can one little person without a whole lot of time, near zero people skills, and absolutely NO money do anything to bring such a big vision (being a practical Jesus to the least of these) into reality?  I feel helpless. 

So, I throw it up there and out here and pray I get a clue before I need to get a wheelchair.

I always had big dreams–visions for ministry that were challenging, outwardly focused, and BIG.  In the last two fellowships I have been a part of (one for six years and the other for seven) leadership encouraged the congregation to “dream bigger then you could possibly accomplish on your own and then watch the Lord make it happen.”  The trouble is, at 50 I have yet to see any of those visions (dreamt by me or cast by leadership) come to fruition or even get off the ground.  So, what could possibly be the problem?

Leadership in the fellowships I have been a part of would probably suggest, “You just need to keep praying into the vision and have faith, that in God’s  time, if the vision is indeed from Him, your dream will be realized.  Of course it might not look like you originally imagined.  There could be a problem with looking for the wrong evidence.  God’s plans do not always look like our plans, after all.”  Any of that kind of encouragement sound familiar?  Frankly, I am a little sick of such reasoning.

Last Saturday the director of the foodbank I volunteer in confided that the Church leadership housing the foodbank has decided to move the foodbank out of the space which was designed specifically for them because the fellowship “needs” to rent that space in order to help meet their financial obligations (paying off the million plus dollar debt on the building).  This news grieved me and caused me to start having a lot of questions.  (Some might say I an doubting God.  I prefer to think I am questioning man but I will let you decide for yourselves).

Here is the story:  Just before the economy tanked this fellowship decided to buy its new facility for approximately 2.5 million dollars.  There were lots of reasons and BIG visions were cast for ministry in and through the building.  Just before the fellowship moved the assistant pastor (who had helped plant the Church with the senior pastor 30 years ago) and the administrative pastor resigned.  The administrator was replaced but the assistant was not.  Also at this time the decision was made to install women as elders and a School of Ministry was birthed.  Eventually, they sold the old facility for just under a million dollars.  During the transition attendance dropped off by nearly a third.  Months of time, energy, and finances were spent preparing the new facility.  Shortly after they moved in the senior pastor became ill.  He eventually passed away, despite many “words” which promised his illness would NOT end in death.  Needless to say the fellowship was reeling.

Now, two and a half years later new leadership is in place, including the former worship leader and youth pastor who function as co-pastors under the oversight of an apostolic leader who also has considerable responsibilities through out the northwest and Mexico.  As a non-denominational fellowship the decision was made to come under the umbrella of New Frontiers International, which caused the revoking of women as elders.  For a variety of reasons, the School of Ministry is also currently defunct.  The present congregation is made up of 50 percent who knew the former senior pastor and 50 percent who only know of him.  Thanks at least in part to the economy the fellowship remains in survival mode financially which brings us to their decision to move the foodbank.

From the present leadership of this fellowship I have heard the mantra–Have faith; God will provide.  So, if this fellowship was given a vision from God that they obediently followed (buying this huge building) why is it now making so many decisions out of financial desperation (trying to lease huge parts of the facility, letting various staff go, not replacing other staff, discontinuing the School of Ministry)?  In other words, where is their faith to do the ministry they were called to and trust God to provide?

I realize from the practical point of view I am making a very impractical suggestion.  Yet for me it is a little like practicing what you preach.  Week after week during the offertory (while I was part of this fellowship) I listened while someone from leadership told a story such as needing to get a repair done on his car for which he did not have the money yet deciding to write that tithe check anyway (implying that the tithe money could have covered the bill) and then, low and behold an unexpected check arrived in the mail for the exact amount he needed to get the repair done.  Proof of God’s provision, not to mention manipulation of those in the pews to “give to God and trust Him to cover your other bills.”  Grrr…(on so many levels).

I know, this sounds like so many sour grapes but I really do have a few questions.  Like: How do we make sense of God giving us vision but not provision?  When and how can/ should leadership say–I guess we got it wrong?  Or, if it is decided they did not get it wrong then why are they not going forward with the vision?  Why instead are they paring down the only ministry that is reaching to help people outside of the building?

At a personal level I am confronted by my own stuckness.  I have had a vision for ministry for a number of years.  Yet, I have done little to pursue that vision–Why?  And, what should I be doing now?  Truly, I am tired of feeling stuck, tired of feeling my hands are tied, and tired of staring at a carrot dangling in front of my nose.  I believe it is time for me to rethink the vision or at least time to rethink how it might be realized.  Does any of this sound familiar?