I used to love to hear a personal prophecy or word of knowledge whenever guest speakers came to visit our fellowship or hold a conference. I felt special–God was talking to me–WOW! And I don’t remember a single one that was an admonishment or set me up for a difficult task. A couple were a bit strange but that was okay because I felt special–God was talking to me–WOW!

When I started to get words for other people the feeling was a little different. Some of the words I got were borderline reprimands, some were for leadership. I was not about to tell one of my pastors that God wanted to give him a nose to sniff out the religious spirit in his life (especially when the teaching from the pulpit was to only speak words of encouragement) so I sort of left out the part about it being in his own life and hoped God would fill in the blank. Talk about handing someone a loaded gun and setting a congregation up for casualties. Not good and not God.

Both these illustrations reveal the danger in simply “practicing the prophetic”. When we tell our congregations that everyone can be prophetic and everyone should seek words from the Spirit, but at the same time do not teach them how to receive and give and receive both positive and corrective words, we neglect our responsibility to be teachers. Not only that but we set our fellow Christians up for failure, disappointment, and trips to Ego-ville on Pride-filled Lane.

In his book, Surprised by the Spirit, Jack Deere talked about the difference between “cold readings” and prophetic words. Everyone can get good at cold readings and when we know the people we are talking to personally our outside information has a tendency to find its way into our “words of knowledge”. Probably the number one reason fellowships that practice prophecy put the “only give words of encouragement” restriction on their congregations is because they have had too many lay psychologists running around trying to solve their friend’s problems by posing their own solutions as a word from God. They figured it was “safe” if they limited the well intended to only encouraging “words”.

The problem with “positive prophecies” is not that they are wrong. The actual “prophecy” is probably not even offensive, after all who wouldn’t want to see God smiling at them!? The problem is they eschew the spectrum until prophecy becomes nothing more than a “feel good” pop-psychology sessions in the name of God. In addition, being able to tell someone something nice probably doesn’t make the “prophet” feel too bad either (!) which is often more the point than the word itself. We like to feel good and we like to feel important. And, Satan likes it when we act like we have some big revelation from God that could just as easily be our own interpretation of a situation, wishful thinking, or worse–a distraction from how God really wants to minister. Saying nice things is easy compared to building relationship or doing the physical work of helping.

The following is near the end of a conversation between my son, Jacob, and one of his friends which found the friend asserting himself as a sort of Spiritual Morpheus(ala the Matrix) in order to teach Jacob the truth  about issues like prayer, prophecy, and hell.  I am proud of Jacob’s response and got permission to reprint it on my blog.  I think he expresses his desire to put his faith into action well.  If you have read many of my posts you can see, we share some similar frustrations.  (The first paragraph responses to the friend’s offer to send Jacob a journaling “tool” so he might “go deeper in God”).

Thank you for the offer of the journaling tool.  It is great that you have learned from it. But, I don’t feel the need to use anything else for journaling then what I am already using. I have several journals going right now, all for the sake of digging deeper in my Gift and getting closer to God. I feel I have a constant connection with God and try to use Him as a guide throughout the day and night.

I think the bottom line is that you and I disagree on what Prophecy is supposed to be about. The more I pray and work towards the Vision God has given me, the more obvious the Prophecy of this world becomes. If we choose to walk with God and act out our beliefs, we will begin to see Heaven on earth. If we, as God’s people, choose to stay inactive, then we will only see the world go deeper into darkness.

I think Prophecy can often be a bunch of hyper spiritual nonsense. I have seen numerous times, people talk about Revival and Spiritual Storms coming but it feels as though they just keep on talking about it coming, nothing really happens from the talk. I have heard many good friends talk about Jesus moving in their lives, but I seldom see actual change come with the talk. Prophecy means very little to me if I don’t see the action and results come after.

The bottom line for me is that I feel we concentrate on the hyper spiritual so much, we forget about reality. We are so busy warning people about Hell after they die, we forget to see the Hell many are living in right now. We are so concentrated on hearing the “true” voice of God and getting into His “presence”, that we don’t feel or hear the obvious cries of His heart when someone dies of hunger or is neglected on the street.

To me God is a personal God who is in the midst of sinners. I see God work in those who act. I can not say anyone is completely without God, even my “Cult” friend has shown me qualities that I feel only could come from God. 

You have warned me many times about Cal but if you were truly confident in your faith I believe you would be able to look at people like  Cal and  see the good in what he says and does.  Here is an example:  Cal is good friends with Paul, a client where we work. Paul gets very lonely and is a bit depressed because he really does not have many friends. Cal for no personal reason what so ever asked if Paul remembered any friends from his old high school. Cal took all the names and googled them. For several weeks Cal wrote these friends emails telling them about Paul, where he is now in life and asking them if they could give Paul a call. Finally after several letters from Cal, a friend called Paul and exchanged phone numbers telling Paul, “He could call any time”.  Tell me, was Cal’s kindness toward Paul really evil?  

Even though you are not saying it, you have been acting (which I think is more telling) as though I am “lost”. I can not tell you how frustrating this makes me feel.  I am not interested in you telling me how to be a Christian and get in contact with God. If you are going to really be able to change anyone’s heart, you will have to choose to come to a level playing field with them. (If Jesus did it, anyone can do it.)

Honestly, I do not blame any “non-Christian” for not wanting to be “saved”, if they keep being treated as less than by those trying to save them. Why would anyone want to listen to someone who thinks they are only as good as a demon and deserve  to be tormented for ETERNITY?

I actually have an easier time learning from non-believers then most believers. For, I am very sad to say, most of my friends who go to Church, and the weekly Bible study, and Youth Group don’t seem to be able to think for themselves and remain mostly inactive. I can learn from people who are testing and walking in their faith. I can learn from those who are shooting but seem to be way off. But the people I can’t learn much from are the people who remain distant and have an “us VS. them” mentality.

I think this is missed by MANY Christians now a days, but it is crucial for ALL of us to know that actions speak louder than words. If you don’t think non-Christians or “The Lost” have anything to offer, IT SHOWS, no matter how nicely you talk to them.

The type of prophesying and “communion with God” you are talking about, is just a way to stay distant from real relationships with all people (Christian and non-Christian alike).  And to put it bluntly, I am not interested. 

That’s it–my son’s response.  The conversation continued a little longer.  I actually spliced a couple of his responses together because they were made similar points.  I was sad that Jacob’s friend continued to try to set him on the “right” path and ignore what he was actually saying.  In the example, Cal and Paul are fictional names for real people. The friend Jacob was writing to knows Cal as a professed witch and has told Jacob that because Cal is “completely evil” he can do “nothing good”. The conversation ended with my son realizing the two had no real common ground, a sad way for “brothers” to end.

I really enjoy reading Kathy Escobar’s blog, A Carnival in My Head.  And this week’s post was no different.  The question she posed to her readers was: How would you fill in the blank?  Despite my doubt I still believe_________________.  My first thought was that God is good.  But the more I thought about that the more I realized my response really had nothing to do with my doubt.  I have never doubted the goodness of God.  I have always been able to see His provision and blessing in my life and in the lives of others.

Over the last few years, however, I have had real questions about His wisdom in choosing to use “the Church” to accomplish His will on earth, to spread His message, to demonstrate His love.  I do not believe that God has failed us or abandoned us in some way but I do think much of the Church has failed Him.  We have abandoned His message and replaced it with our own.  The message we tend to spread rarely looks or sounds much like LOVE.  More often our message is filled with promises of wealth if you give to your local fellowship, good kids if you bring them to Sunday school each week, and peace, healing, and joy if you say the right prayers.  Oh I know, these promises are generally qualified if not out right denied in the small print  but they certainly have been implied in every organized gathering I have ever attended.

I have grown tired of the prosperity gospel that leaves most of the world (especially the unsaved  world) out.  I am skeptical of the name it and claim it message that suggest our “life-giving”, positive message, “speak to that which is not as if it is” words are enough; that we do not actually have to do  anything other than pray (AKA: talk a lot using holy verbage and in a hyperventilating state). 

A recent conversation my son shared with me fueled some of the frustration you may be hearing in this post.  It also served as a big AHA in my mind.  Some in the institutionalized Church are fond of painting pictures of God up in heaven with His hands tied, suggesting that we (through our prayers) have the power  to release His hands.  I heard myself saying to my son, “I wished the Church could see the reason God’s hands are tied  is because we refuse to lift ours!”  And, I did not mean lift as in a worship stance!!  The harvest is plentiful the workers–those willing to make a difference in someone else’s life through their personal involvement–are few.  When the Church decides to take the concept of being His hands and feet on the earth seriously enough to start meeting the needs He helps us to see, then will God’s hands no longer be tied! 

When asked about Christianity Gandhi once said, “I like your Christ.  I do not like your Christians.  Your Chirstians are so unlike your Christ.”  I have found myself thinking a lot like Gandhi.  But, I do not want to only be a finger pointer.  I want to take what Gandhi said personally.  What in my own life must change so my message more accurately relays Christ’s message?  What can I do?  How can I live, so my hands and feet reveal Christ’s heart?

Yes!  BUT how did we acquire so much junk in so little time?  WOW!  (Needless to say we are not completely put away yet). 

When we last moved (seven years ago) we brought very little with us, only because we had three rummage sales, two truck loads to the dump, and at least two trips to Goodwill.  Everything we owned arrived at our new house in one twenty-foot moving van and a passenger van that were also carrying six people a cat and a dog.  I told myself we were simplifying.

Seven years later, I honestly do not know where all our “stuff” is going to go.  And, I am embarrassed that we have soooo much.  This move has been bittersweet (for me) for that very reason.  I thought I was not a “typical” materialistic American.  I was enlightened–BAH!  The house we found has a huge yard!–a (neighbor’s) pasture with horses beyond that, an incredible view of mountains and a river and…  We have four bedrooms (one we converted from a den so it includes a fireplace), two baths, a wonderful deck, kitchen, livingroom with a second fireplace, dining room and did I mention the yard (?).  Talk about wealth.  My missionary friend in Africa just helped a HIV positive new mom get out of a literal mud floor hut and into a one room shack she shares with her three children.

We found the house before it went on the market.  My husband inquired about a dumpster in front of a house a couple doors down and was told about the house we are in just as a “in case you’re interested”.  Three other inquiries followed ours.  God’s provision or dumb luck? 

Because of the condition of the house we were able to reduce the price by 12,000, set aside that money and use it to remodel one of the bathrooms, paint the entire house, and put new flooring in all the rooms except one bath, which we did re-tile.  Because our income qualifies, we were also able to take advantage of a rural development program that got us a loan at 1% interest.  Blessing, providence, or fate?

Please do not take this post wrong.  I feel incredibly thankful to be out of where we were and into this home.  Yet at the same time, I have done nothing to deserve the riches I have.  And, for the first time in my life I am consciously aware of the fact that most others, by comparison have much less in the form of material goods.  Because of this fact, I am not certain just how I should respond–Thank You God but why me?  Should I sell some of this and give to the poor?  Do I volunteer more at the food bank to appease my guilt? 

I have not matured to the point Paul had when he wrote that he had learned to be content with all things.  I am ill at ease in this skin which is now more aware of the world beyond my comfort zone.  I am not doing enough to change the balance, even the field.  I feel guilty, embarrassed and I do not like those feelings.  So I say Thank You God for Your many blessings but I also ask what I should/could be doing to better be His servant, His ambassador.  I do not want more unless I can somehow begin to give more away.

First, I realize today is not Sunday.  I apologize.  I will try harder in the future not to say I will do things unless I know I will be about to do them, or I at least won’t be so emphatic about saying I will do them.  That said–on to my post.

Truly I understand the danger in my calling #5 a lie.  At the same time, I only have my experience through which to understand and my experience testifies to the fact that I have known those in the Church to take the same passages of scripture and walk away with two very different interpretations.  I have also experienced asking a question about a part of scripture that seems to contradict another part of scripture only to be told something to the effect of: “How dare you question God” or more typically the pat answer, “Well you know, His ways are not our ways.  (Sub-text: Now little lady, your finite mind just cannot comprehend what we scholars [and God] understand).”  And yet, these same voices hold fast to their particular interpretation of scripture (and the schizophrenic character of God their interpretations create), refusing to examine any other possibilities despite the fact that those heretical possibilities might actually answer some of the contradictions.

 

From lay people to leadership I hear the we-only-want-the-truth-and-nothing-but-the-truth mantra loud and clear.  But in fact, what most people want is for all the other  versions of the truth to submit their radical ideas to our tried and true, foundational, reasonable, and Church sanctioned version of the truth.  Truth be told we so desperately want to be right that we immediately treat those who ask questions with rude suspicion.

 

Just because people have questions and just because they do not accept Christian platitudes as serious answers to those questions, does not give us the right to judge them, curse them, or ignore them.  Jesus did not stop at telling us to love God and love our neighbors.  He went on to tell us to love our enemies as well.  And when He compared loving (forgiving) them to heaping coals upon their heads He did not mean for us to take Him literally.

 

Seeking, knowing, and speaking the truth are not bad things.  However, all too often we seek  quick and easy answers without even listening to the hard questions.  We know  what we have been told the Bible says but we have not actually searched out what it says for ourselves.   And, way too frequently our truths are spoken  with a demeaning attitude toward those who do not look, act, and sound just. like. us.   We do not just want to seek, know, and speak, the truth.   We want everyone else to know just what we know and think we know everything that is worth knowing.  We want the truth we speak to justify our behavior as well as our words.  And, we really rather not have to work too hard to figure it all out.  It is so much easier that way.

 

I am truly grieved by the number of times I have participated in discussions where Christians come off sounding like arrogant, know-it-alls yet refuse to address serious questions or explain what they are really saying when using all their Christian-ese.  We like to remind each other that the Bible tells us to be ready with an answer.  In fact, we often use that verse as evidence to prove we are suppose to tell people they need to think like we do.  Sadly, what the verse actually says is that we are to “…always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect.” (I Peter 3:15).  Note: when we are asked we are to be ready and our demeanor ought to be gentle and respectful. 

 

I do not know about you, but I have not been asked by too many strangers to explain my sense of hope.  In fact most of the relationships in which I have had conversations of a spiritual nature are fairly long standing friendships, and then the majority have pre-existing Christian connections, ie: Church small groups.  I only know of one guy that got away with meeting someone for the first time and telling him to drop what he was doing to follow him.  And, it seems pretty ridiculous to me to think I should have that kind of sway.

What happens when you are in the final stages of buying a house using Rural Development funding, checking out Golden Retriever puppies, trying top keep up with a four year old, working a 30+ hour graveyard shift, and home schooling two teenagers (a freshman and a junior)?  Well you don’t have a lot of time left over to post let alone write blogs.  Truly, I have lots whirling around in my head fighting to get out and promise by Sunday one of those ideas will find  its way here but until then…happy blogging!

Humm…Nope.  I just don’t buy it.  Truth be told in all the circles of folks I’ve hung out with–hippies, humanists, intellectual agnostics, theatre folks, Christians, Republicans, Democrats, artsy-fartsy types, social reformers, environmentalists–the Christians rank pretty close to the bottom of the list for being known by their love.  In fact, we not only take pot-shots at other groups on a regular basis (homosexuals, feminists, and liberals come to mind) we do a pretty fair job of shooting one another in the foot. 

I know those in glass houses…but seriously, how will we ever change if we never take a critical look at ourselves?  Some will say we should not care what the “world” thinks of us, that the Bible warned us we would be hated.  But let us at least be hated for the right reason!  Let us be hated because we look too much like Jesus, NOT because we look, act, and sound like the Pharisees!

Jesus was hated because He made it impossibly difficult to be self oriented.  He made it hard to get rich and stay rich.  He rejected the idea of climbing the ladder, getting ahead, and being top dog.  Jesus was hated because He saw people for who they were, loved them anyway, and expected His followers to do likewise.  He was hated because he focused on people’s needs and ignored their wants.

Sadly, the Church’s reputation is not like Jesus.  Oh I have heard it preached too many times to count that, “Jesus loves you just the way you are.  He just loves you too much to leave you that way.”  But too often you can translate that: Jesus might be able to love you the way you are but we will show you how you should clean up your act so you can look just like us.  We will also tell you what you should believe and how to worship God and when and where to pray and what to pray for and…ad nausium.  And, if you do not go along with what we tell you then you are just rejecting God  and we can not help it if you choose to go to hell.  We wash our hands of you.  Oh, and by the way, we will give you about a year.  So, you better plug into a small group, and be reading your Bible, and start tithing, and quit hanging out with your unsaved friends, and…

Do we really love people just the way they are?  Quite frankly, I am not sure we even find out who they are before we begin the whole make-over gig.  We rarely discovered what gifts and talents they might have to contribute before we start plugging them into our needs–”Here, why don’t you sign up to work in the nursery.  We need nursery workers.  You can start serving there.”  In truth we are more focused on the holes we have to fill in order to keep our ship moving.  Let us be honest.  Are we actually prone to take new believers to lunch or do we simply direct them to the appropriate small group and sign their children up for Sunday school?  Do we treat people like car parts that ought to fit into our machines or as individuals with their own unique inner workings, designed by the same God who created us? 

I wonder if the last time we (the Church) loved someone right where they were it was because they were finally right where we wanted them?  God knows, I’m guilty.  But I refuse to stay guilty.  I am determined to first let people in, to find out where they live–emotionally–before I start to reprogram them.  And if I’m successful maybe I will learn a thing or two in the process.

And, if you aren’t happy you must be doing something wrong.  Or so goes the sub-text. 

While saying that Christianity equals happiness may not be preached in so many words, it certainly has been implied in every fellowship I have ever attended.  People who struggle with depression are often “prayed for” and encouraged to “lay their burdens at the foot of the cross” but they are much less often invited to lunch or allowed on the worship team.

Let’s face it–depressed people are depressing.  Our “How ya doin’? Fine.” ritual as we breeze past each other in the isles or lobbies of our fellowships tells the real story–WE DON’T WANT TO KNOW.  Not really.  Plastering the smile on our own faces is often a difficult enough assignment without needing to try to uplift someone else.  So we keep it simple, act friendly, rarely reach out, and even more rarely let others in.  We speed up the tempo of our lives because if we keep busy at least we look like we are engaged, care, are involved, are happy.  The truth is the busier we are the less time we have to really check in and know how we feel, or equally as important how those around us feel.

A while back I promised myself I would never again answer the question “How are you doing?” with the word “fine”.  For the most part I have kept that promise.  I have to say, some of the looks I get when I say things like, “At least we’re having weather” are pretty interesting.  Sadly however, most who even hear my response just smile awkwardly and move on. 

We honestly do not know how to play the game any other way than the uninvolved disconnected way we have always played it.  And for the most part, even for most of us who call ourselves Christians, walking out our lives really is a game.  If we get it right and catch a few breaks–like having to bury our parents instead of our children–everyone will be convinced we are happy because we have Jesus in our hearts and a smile on our faces.

I know I am treading on dangerous ground when I make statements like that last one.  Please, hear what I am saying and not what I am not.  We do our faith and our God a huge disservice by equating either with the lie of 24/7 happiness.  We also set ourselves (and others) up for continual failure and disappointment, not to mention give a foothold to the devil to torment us with doubt and fear.  The smiles we paint on and the cheerfulness we fain neither testifies that Jesus is or is not in our hearts.  We do not let the Lord down when we experience pain or sadness nor when we express empathy for those around us who might be hurting.  I am not more Christian or a better Christian because I smile.  But I just might be if I shed a tear with someone.  Once again, the lie we tell ourselves and others (that happiness is:being a Christian or all Christian are happy) gets in the way of healthy, authentic  relationships and I am convinced being in healthy, authentic  relationships is what Jesus would prefer.

In most every fellowship I have been a part of the leadership has always had the  look–put together, smiling, and energized. They also have had “body guards”, a group of similarly looking people who always sing their praises; are always part of the work team, church board, planning committee, or eldership; and form their only circles of friends if the pastors even have friends other than other pastors.
These people, with the senior pastor at the center, form the role models for the fellowship. They tend to be the “regular tithers”. They are the “go to” guys when the pastor needs a job done. If the body is small group oriented, some of them are small group leaders. Their wives run the children’s programs.  And, their voices, generally echo the senior pastor, thus determining the focus of the fellowship. Is it youth oriented, prayer oriented, out reach oriented? These folks will decide. (In a few congregations you can still find the stereotyped rich person who calls most of the shots, which conjures the old adage “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”.  But, that is not the norm in today’s more up scale, up beat congregations or the smaller church plants.

Other than being a lie the problem with the message–”We have it all together because we have all the answers”–is that it also conveys the message that if you  do not have it all together you  can not be  one of us, which in turn causes those of us  who do not have it all together (perhaps because we have a few more questions than answers) to fake it (that is, if we want to be part of them which most of us seem to want).  If in a feeble attempt to get our acts all together we ask some of our questions and recieve some of “their answers”, we quickly discover that the answers we almost always get rarely seem to understand the actual questions we have asked. 

Now as true as some of these answers are–”Just give it to Jesus”, “You got to have faith”, “Trust is God”, “Prayer works”, “His ways are higher that our ways”–they do not answer all  the questions or comfort all  the pain behind them.  Instead, they put people off, cause them to feel inadequate, and create a barrier because what seems  to work for everyone else does not work for the questioner.  And, the lies we tell ourselves when we tell others we have all the answers–that we can not be found lacking or else, that saving people depends on our having our ducks in a row, and that God might not approve of us (read that love us) anymore if we mess up–are just as harmful as the original lie.  Thus we end up shooting ourselves in the foot in order to “look like” we are walking the talk”.  In fact, we are really just trying to out run our own doubts and fears.

Pretending we have all the answers builds walls not relationships.  And, it also makes a caricature of God.  We can not explain what we do not know ourselves, so we offer sound bites instead, like all we will ever need is a page-a-day-calendar-God.  How sad He must be.

Once again I am going to send you on over to The Carnival in My Head blog, not because Kathy is writing about this same topic but because this post sort of describes (along with many of her other posts) what it might look like when we start to admit we do not have all the answers. 

Personally, I do not think Jesus gave much thought to whether or not the Pharisees or the Romans for that matter, thought He had any of the answers, let alone all of them.  I do not think He cared whether or not His ministry got messy.  I think what mattered most to Jesus was that the woman with the issue of blood knew if she only got close enough to make contact her life would be different, that the Roman officer knew Jesus–a carpenter–had authority he did not fully understand but he could trust, that Peter–one of Christ’s closest disciples–kept trying, kept coming back.  I believe “relationship” answers many of the questions all our answers  can’t.  And, as soon as we begin to let relationship mess with all our “answers” we will begin to see what it is like to walk with God, to experience the joy of the Lord, and to know the presence of the Spirit.  Relationship does not answer or do away with our questions but it can often make our need to find the answers feel a whole lot less urgent.

Nothing like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire–with both feet no less!  But, the truth is the lie: Married Sex Equals Good Sex, is what started me think of this series and I believe it is the number one lie told in the Church.  Think for a moment–those of you who have grown up or spent much time in the Church–have you ever heard it suggested that married sex might not be good? 

In countless youth groups and purity seminars across the country our children are told sex outside the protection of marriage is wrong, sinful, bad but sex inside the protection of marriage is good.  Same act, different circumstances, different verdict.  The trouble is they rarely hear what makes sex within marriage good only that marriage some how, magically, makes it so.  If we can just get kids to wait we (meaning the Church) think we have done our job.  But have we?  What makes marital sex good?  Is it really just because we “do it” within the confines of marriage? 

Please, do not write me off thinking I am talking about technique issues.  I am not, not really.  The reality of married sex is that at times and for some couples it is mutually fulfilling.  It draws the couple closer to one another.  It builds their trust and regard one for the other.  It mirrors the selfless relationship Christ desires to have with the Church.  But all too often, this scenario does NOT describe the sexual aspect of a Christian marriage.  And the sad fact is the Church has done little to help couples understand what makes marital sex good let a lone help those whose experience is that marital sex is decidedly NOT good.

Negative marital sexuality includes the problems we eventually run into and those we bring with us.  On the one hand, worldly stressors can effect even the healthiest of marriages.  On the other hand, our attitudes toward and expectations for marital sex are formed by both our experience and our up bringing.  Yet, more and more the solutions to both these issues seem to copycat the solutions the world hands out.  We are told to try new positions, use “godly” sex toys, have sex somewhere other than our bedrooms, play fantasy games (you know like letting the wife dress up like a hooker and then having the husband “pick her up” in a bar), or even watch a little porn together.  I kid you not, all those ideas “for improving sex in your marriage” came from Christian sources.  The real disappointment however is what those kind of solutions reveal about how little our “experts” really  understand about marital sex.

We are quick to tell our children, “Wait!”  We even tell them, “It is worth the wait”.  But often the only reason we say such things is why the world advocates “safe” sex–we are afraid of the physical  consequences of not waiting–unwanted babies, abortions, and sexually transmitted diseases.  In addition, we worry about the spiritual consequences of sex outside of marriage: sin and guilt and falling away from the Church.  Yet little is said about the emotional consequences of sex outside of marriage or its impact inside marriage.  And even less is discussedwhen: It’s Worth the Wait, turns out not to be a guarantee.

Humanity is wounded.  Christians are not immune to this fact.  And, we all  carry our woundedness into our relationships.  When our whole lives we have bought into the message that Married Sex Equals Good Sex and then we get into marriage and find out it is not always good, that at times sex is boring, or frustrating, or abusive.  When we have been told sex is beautiful but instead it hurts, or leaves us feeling empty or inadequate.  When we imagine we will enjoy an active abundant sex life but discover instead our partner does not want to have sex as often as we do.  When we assume our addiction to pornography will go away because now we have a real person in our lives but it rears its ugly head all over again.  When we are offended because our spouse lets it slip we are no longer as attractive as we once were and we lose interest in being intimate.  When any or all of these scenarios take place in our lives, yet we have it in our heads that Married Sex Equals Good Sex, we become afraid.  Afraid to tell anyone else what is happening in our marriage, afraid we are the only ones who have problems, afraid something is seriously wrong with us.  Where can we turn, what can we do when we are afraid?

I wish I could say we could turn to the Church.  We should be able to turn to the Church.  The Church should bethe safest place of all for us to bring our problems, our woundedness.  But unless the Church begins to understand how its message that: Married Sex Equals Good Sex, has contributed to the problem the Church will remain an unsafe place for wounded couples to seek help. 

Unless we, the Church, begin to build a foundation of grace and forgiveness and lay on that foundation a platform of mutual submission in all the aspects of our lives the idea of mutual submission in marriage, including marital sex, will remain a foreign one.  And, unless mutual submission becomes a cornerstone for our marital relationships we can not hope to reflect the kind of marriages, including the kind of intimacy, that Christ desires with His Church.